Sometimes I'm so certain of my goal in life. I'm convinced that work brings me joy and satisfaction - its indisputable that a successful career is what I aim for. Business/Law books/notes are scattered on my table. Business proposals, C.V.s, business-related stuff are what I've been reading the past month. I really do enjoy them, but at the same time, I've unknowingly let other things in life slip by. Regret, that is what they call it. I try not to have that feeling in me - its something haunting and recurring. But more often than not, it happens.
Things have never really changed ever since grandmom passed. My family is emotionally 'strong'. In other words, we deal with our emotions internally, hardly showing a tinge of sadness. According to either the Taoist or Buddhist (I still can't figure out which one it is) belief, the deceased's loved ones should not let their tears fall into the coffin. They believe that the deceased must reincarnate within 49 days, if not they will become wandering spirits. As such, they told us not to grieve too much else she will not bear to leave this world.
Similar to my granddad's funeral, not many cried. Not because they are not missed or loved but its just because how the family is. I totally didn't have a problem with that because we all know how much the family respected my grandmom. She was someone many have high regards for. She had the wisdom, the knowledge, the heart and the abilities. Her passing was unexpected and largely due to a medical misadventure which enraged my dad.
Personally, I haven't really allowed time to think about it. I'm not ashamed to say that I hardly cried during the funeral (just like the time my maternal grandmom passed). My dad thinks I'm apathetic and gave me a long lecture about the importance of family ties. I see no point in it. People have different ways in dealing with situations. I block my emotions when I'm with a crowd, I just do what I'm supposed to do and will do what I need to do when I'm in my comfort zone. Sad to say, not everyone realizes this. My cousin who recently converted to Christianity was the subject of criticism that day. To be fair, there isn't an absolute right or wrong in this case. The family had no problems with him converting, rather, they encouraged it. But they felt that he was disrespectful towards my grandmom for not praying to her (using the incense). Either way he is going to be labeled as being disrespectful - the only difference is to who - my grandmom or his god. Its pretty sad because nobody sees the struggles he faced and I guess its easy to conclude that he is unfilial. He is not, he really isn't - I saw him cried during the funeral. Through the years I've noticed him gradually withdrawing from the family as his life spiraled into oblivion. He always remained stoical when he is with us and one could imagine how much my grandmom's passing must have saddened him for him to even shed a tear in front of us.
Have we been too caught up with assessing people's actions and words?
"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages."We play our roles, we act as how our role requires - a daughter, son, father, mother, brother, sister, husband, wife, employer, employee etc. We change as our roles change and how many sides of a person can you really catch? Sometimes it might be a lil better if we could stop trying to analyze a person but feel for him. Actions and words can be misleading, feel and you might understand him better.
Events like this force me to reassess my priorities and goals.
Was it something just to sustain myself?
cry
Cry
AND CRY
I concluded that I should stay far from them. Don't go near them and they won't cry. Don't touch them and they won't break. So I happily led 21 years of my life without carrying any of my lil cousins or babies or toddlers or whatever which seems fragile to me.
so delightful
so adorable
SO CUTE!
