one last post

I'm probably left with approximately 2 more days before I return to Auckland, University, a foreign place, a home?
and
I'm feeling stressed, sad, relieved, frustrated, annoyed, tired, apprehensive, tensed?

I reckon I always make the same mistake albeit me warning myself not to do so every trip back.

Aim: Recuperate, Reflect and Rest
Actual Fact: Play, Chiong and Blocking out all thoughts
Outcome: Disorientated

But not as if I can do anything about it.
Anyhows, I don't think it would be as bad as the previous semester. I will try harder.
Good luck Momo, you got truckloads of work awaiting for your grand arrival in Auckland.

Ok, I write this with a heavy heart. I guess many think that I do not want to go back. Well partially, yes. I guess I'm reluctant because I know I wouldn't have an exactly good start to the semester because thanks to me and only me I just didn't keep to what I envisaged myself to do and I dread to rush for deadlines, have the constant nagging feeling to do this and do that at this time that place and I don't think I can assimilate easily and quickly to the darn weather over there. Yeah, its kinda trivial but Momo is not inherently adaptive to changes. She likes certainty but awe creativity, likes cinch but apprehends dubiety - no wonder my parents can never decipher me.

They: 'I don't get it. Do you like noisy, crowded places or quiet places.'
Me: 'Depends.'
They: 'You are very ironic. (Indicating more than 1 aspect)'
Me: 'Yeah. It all depends.'

Suddenly, I remembered the Ad by one of the credit cards for women, with the slogan 'Man just don't get it'. I thought that ad was pretty cool. Well at least it left an impression on me after so many years. It didn't mean much when I was younger, I just thought it was amusing but I guess I kinda get it now after seeing my parents behave and react when they are together. Gosh its so frustrating for both sides. I can understand both perspectives but its so difficult to explain. One uses the mind another uses the heart and the middle person (e.g. the children) have to use both heart and mind. And Momo doesn't want to use either. Yeah, what happened to my filial piety...

I get very fidgety round bout this time - trying to piece myself together and get ready for the next semester. Its like my head is the galaxy and all my thoughts and fears are colliding against each other like...whatever you call it...dark matter, stars and whatever not. I just need to get a full piece i.e. full brain when I get back. Yes, yes, yes very bad analogy. I shouldn't attempt to use such imagery to describe how I feel because I'm hopeless in the field of science.

Rah, whatever will come, will come. I'm not sad, I'm not happy, I'm just... guai lan. (Ok, I don't know what that means but Jo just asked why am I so guai lan on MSN. So it must be the word to describe me now.)