I said sorry to make you feel better.
Its a form of manners.
But I'm sure you took it as though you were right and wallow in your own self-pity.
After one big round the blame gets back to me because I was trying to be polite by saying sorry. Good on you this time.
You freakin disappointed me.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Ithaca
When you set out on your journey to Ithaca,
pray that the road is long,
full of adventure, full of knowledge.
The Lestrygonians and the Cyclops,
the angry Poseidon - do not fear them:
You will never find such as these on your path
if your thoughts remain lofty, if a fine
emotion touches your spirit and your body.
The Lestrygonians and the Cyclops,
the fierce Poseidon you will never encounter,
if you do not carry them within your soul,
if your heart does not set them up before you.
Pray that the road is long.
That the summer mornings are many, when,
with such pleasure, with such joy
you will enter ports seen for the first time;
stop at Phoenician markets,
and purchase fine merchandise,
mother-of-pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
and sensual perfumes as you can;
visit many Egyptian cities,
to learn and learn from scholars.
Always keep Ithaca in your mind.
To arrive there is your ultimate goal.
But do not hurry the voyage at all.
It is better to let it last for many years;
and to anchor at the island when you are old,
rich with all you have gained on the way,
not expecting that Ithaca will offer you any riches.
Ithaca has given you the beautiful voyage.
Without her you would never have set out on the road.
She has nothing more to give you.
And if you find her poor, Ithaca has not deceived you.
Wise as you have become, with so much experience,
you must already have understood what Ithacas mean.
Constantine Cavafy
from The Zahir by Paulo Coelho
I heard this from somewhere recently:
Courage and responsibility are like brothers. They coexist together. Because of the burden of responsibility, you have the courage to carry on living. It is because we rely on one another which made us carry on living. Until one day when you're relieved of all your burden and responsibilities, maybe, you lose your courage as well.
I didn't do a good job paraphrasing that quote but the idea is there.
It takes a lot of courage for me to talk to my dad because he is just so frank. He doesn't intentionally say stuff to hurt you because he doesn't even know you'll be hurt by that. That is why what he says is true and the truth, is often painful. He is getting old, he doesn't think that much when he says stuff. Sometimes I hear my mom hushing him at the background and I chuckle thinking what is the point of hiding when that is the truth.
Yesterday he told me that I'm emotionally weak. Too weak. But luckily I'm determined which made up for it. I tried arguing albeit knowing what he said was true, just to make myself feel a lil better. I argued that if I'm as weak as he thinks, I wouldn't even have the courage to come here. I wouldn't have the courage to continue staying here. I wouldn't have the courage to take up law. I would have just packed my bags and go back to my comfort zone or I would have just moved into a hall and not stay alone. But he said that was not because I'm strong. It is because I am determined. He said jokingly that I'm lucky in that sense.
I wonder how true were his words. I reckon it probably is. Yes, I've heard people telling me the same stuff before. If, presumably the 2 most dominant characteristics I have are emotionally weak and determination, I think the result is an overwhelming surge of internal struggles. Both seemed to be of stark contrast and to have both dominant within you may be a tricky matter.
Yes, I'm emotionally weak and I thought of giving up so many times in so many occasions but giving up has also never been an option to me. I feel like it but I can't. My friend commented that 'you're number 1 in tormenting yourself.', 'If you don't like it, then don't do it.' And you must be wondering why can't I give up. Why can't I just do what I want. I can, but ultimately I know if I do I will blame no one except myself. My emotions play a primary role in how I do things yet my mind play even a stronger part in deciding what I'm gonna do. Both coexist in one body yet goes in opposite directions often leading to an internal struggle and disillusionment.
I guess I'm always driven by emotions yet always take a step back when my mind starts working. That sounds like a balance but I guess those struggles are taking a toil. There is nothing exceptionally wrong in my life now. But yet there is nothing exceptionally right. The issues I face everyday and the way I handle them reflects who am I and sometimes wonder am I doing the right thing. My parents said I got to be a lil more aggressive and that the society is filled with vicious people, all selfish and out to get you. I guess they don't really believed in unconditional friendships and advise me not to accommodate too much. I've always been skeptical about the world and people yet I still believe strongly in friendships. One is driven by mind, the latter by heart.
Maybe I knew it all along but tried believing in it to bear at least a lil faith and hope in life. But of course, as you grow older you see more, more of the ugly sides to be specific. I don't want to lose that little faith I have left and tried hard believing that no, there is still such thing as friendships and relationships. I always debated with my family about this issue but as time passes, things get clearer and I've started to accept it. I can't get used to it but accepting is the easiest way because I don't have the power to change anything.
When we were out, they told me: you don't need to treat them so nice. Just heck it all. I envy their easy-going nature. Just heck it all, don't need to treat them so nice. Yeah, I don't know why I even bother helping them when it doesn't even help me in any ways but making me feel worse. No, its not that I'm nice, because if you're really nice you won't regret helping. But I do regret. I always regret when I say yes and later dread what I've to do. I dread my stupidity in agreeing. There are many times when my friends disappointed me and I was really pissed. That is my true feelings. But my mind tells me to stop being a petty freak. My mom said 'ni bei ren li yong hai bu dong' (you don't even know you've been made used of). I never thought it as being 'made used of' because you're just helping them when they need it and they would help you when you need it. But well, I guess its not as simple as I think it is. Of course its not. Its just how I would like it to be that simple.
But I guess I still got the courage to carry on. Just a lil. Why? I guess because I have just 1 last hope:
'And if you find her poor, Ithaca has not deceived you.
Wise as you have become, with so much experience,
you must already have understood what Ithacas mean.'
I want to know, would I really understand what 'Ithacas' mean in the end?
After all my struggles, would there really be a happy ending.
pray that the road is long,
full of adventure, full of knowledge.
The Lestrygonians and the Cyclops,
the angry Poseidon - do not fear them:
You will never find such as these on your path
if your thoughts remain lofty, if a fine
emotion touches your spirit and your body.
The Lestrygonians and the Cyclops,
the fierce Poseidon you will never encounter,
if you do not carry them within your soul,
if your heart does not set them up before you.
Pray that the road is long.
That the summer mornings are many, when,
with such pleasure, with such joy
you will enter ports seen for the first time;
stop at Phoenician markets,
and purchase fine merchandise,
mother-of-pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
and sensual perfumes as you can;
visit many Egyptian cities,
to learn and learn from scholars.
Always keep Ithaca in your mind.
To arrive there is your ultimate goal.
But do not hurry the voyage at all.
It is better to let it last for many years;
and to anchor at the island when you are old,
rich with all you have gained on the way,
not expecting that Ithaca will offer you any riches.
Ithaca has given you the beautiful voyage.
Without her you would never have set out on the road.
She has nothing more to give you.
And if you find her poor, Ithaca has not deceived you.
Wise as you have become, with so much experience,
you must already have understood what Ithacas mean.
Constantine Cavafy
from The Zahir by Paulo Coelho
I heard this from somewhere recently:
Courage and responsibility are like brothers. They coexist together. Because of the burden of responsibility, you have the courage to carry on living. It is because we rely on one another which made us carry on living. Until one day when you're relieved of all your burden and responsibilities, maybe, you lose your courage as well.
I didn't do a good job paraphrasing that quote but the idea is there.
It takes a lot of courage for me to talk to my dad because he is just so frank. He doesn't intentionally say stuff to hurt you because he doesn't even know you'll be hurt by that. That is why what he says is true and the truth, is often painful. He is getting old, he doesn't think that much when he says stuff. Sometimes I hear my mom hushing him at the background and I chuckle thinking what is the point of hiding when that is the truth.
Yesterday he told me that I'm emotionally weak. Too weak. But luckily I'm determined which made up for it. I tried arguing albeit knowing what he said was true, just to make myself feel a lil better. I argued that if I'm as weak as he thinks, I wouldn't even have the courage to come here. I wouldn't have the courage to continue staying here. I wouldn't have the courage to take up law. I would have just packed my bags and go back to my comfort zone or I would have just moved into a hall and not stay alone. But he said that was not because I'm strong. It is because I am determined. He said jokingly that I'm lucky in that sense.
I wonder how true were his words. I reckon it probably is. Yes, I've heard people telling me the same stuff before. If, presumably the 2 most dominant characteristics I have are emotionally weak and determination, I think the result is an overwhelming surge of internal struggles. Both seemed to be of stark contrast and to have both dominant within you may be a tricky matter.
Yes, I'm emotionally weak and I thought of giving up so many times in so many occasions but giving up has also never been an option to me. I feel like it but I can't. My friend commented that 'you're number 1 in tormenting yourself.', 'If you don't like it, then don't do it.' And you must be wondering why can't I give up. Why can't I just do what I want. I can, but ultimately I know if I do I will blame no one except myself. My emotions play a primary role in how I do things yet my mind play even a stronger part in deciding what I'm gonna do. Both coexist in one body yet goes in opposite directions often leading to an internal struggle and disillusionment.
I guess I'm always driven by emotions yet always take a step back when my mind starts working. That sounds like a balance but I guess those struggles are taking a toil. There is nothing exceptionally wrong in my life now. But yet there is nothing exceptionally right. The issues I face everyday and the way I handle them reflects who am I and sometimes wonder am I doing the right thing. My parents said I got to be a lil more aggressive and that the society is filled with vicious people, all selfish and out to get you. I guess they don't really believed in unconditional friendships and advise me not to accommodate too much. I've always been skeptical about the world and people yet I still believe strongly in friendships. One is driven by mind, the latter by heart.
Maybe I knew it all along but tried believing in it to bear at least a lil faith and hope in life. But of course, as you grow older you see more, more of the ugly sides to be specific. I don't want to lose that little faith I have left and tried hard believing that no, there is still such thing as friendships and relationships. I always debated with my family about this issue but as time passes, things get clearer and I've started to accept it. I can't get used to it but accepting is the easiest way because I don't have the power to change anything.
When we were out, they told me: you don't need to treat them so nice. Just heck it all. I envy their easy-going nature. Just heck it all, don't need to treat them so nice. Yeah, I don't know why I even bother helping them when it doesn't even help me in any ways but making me feel worse. No, its not that I'm nice, because if you're really nice you won't regret helping. But I do regret. I always regret when I say yes and later dread what I've to do. I dread my stupidity in agreeing. There are many times when my friends disappointed me and I was really pissed. That is my true feelings. But my mind tells me to stop being a petty freak. My mom said 'ni bei ren li yong hai bu dong' (you don't even know you've been made used of). I never thought it as being 'made used of' because you're just helping them when they need it and they would help you when you need it. But well, I guess its not as simple as I think it is. Of course its not. Its just how I would like it to be that simple.
But I guess I still got the courage to carry on. Just a lil. Why? I guess because I have just 1 last hope:
'And if you find her poor, Ithaca has not deceived you.
Wise as you have become, with so much experience,
you must already have understood what Ithacas mean.'
I want to know, would I really understand what 'Ithacas' mean in the end?
After all my struggles, would there really be a happy ending.
Monday, August 27, 2007
I'm so glad the ball is finally over. I've been dreading it throughout the whole week...cause, I'm just not a ball/prom/formal event kinda person. Its just too troublesome, too restrictive, too weird.
It was really stressfult preparing for it because I really dread preparing for these kinda stuff which to me, is really redundant. I didn't want to spend any money on a dress which I know I will never wear again so I asked my mom to send some over. It was chucked in one corner till today, when I was running late, I realized that it wasn't exactly straight nor ironed. But too late to find for the iron. Heck it all and went out. I was utterly unprepared for it because I just kept lagging the whole morning cooking and watching dramas. I tried to put in some effort by painting my toe nails but I became too engrossed in my drama and before I knew it, I was late and just left it incomplete. I'm sure people really look at your toes in the dark. Shouldn't even put it in the first place. Whatever it is, I don't like going for balls. And you need to put on layers of make-up and its just so difficult. But I'd a pro and I just mimicked Jo's procedure and got it done relatively smoothly. Although I felt utterly uncomfortable the whole night:
Yuck, I feel fake.
No, that is not me.
This is me!
casual, outdoors, food, coffee, gathering at my place...
The past few nights were good yet not too good
Bad because I was still disturbed by the mounting stuff I gotta complete.
Good because I'd something to get me distracted at night.
Went for dinner and drink on thursday, came back and cooked till 3am, woke up at 7am the next morning, rushed down to foodtown and came back cooking for another couple of hours, went for lunch with Jo, rushed to lects, had the rest over at my place for dinner and movie till 12am, housework till 2am, woke up at 8am, went to sylvia park and random tran stops and at last returning to the city and back to the hobson pple's place for a drink and some rubbish mv guessing games. Walked back at 1am which nearly freaked the hell out of us. There was a fight between the maori group and some asians along queenstreet. They were directly behind us and we were trying to cross the road but the lights were red and we saw the guy behind digging the dustbin for something (probably a glass bottle to whack the other guy) and I was like...hell no...please don't whack us. When the lights turned green I wanted to fly across the road before they start throwing bottles at us but no, we needed to walk as calmly as we can. Else if we catch their attention they will probably start coming after us. We finally reached kitchener street and took a deep breadth - saying how lucky we were for not being mugged but a few seconds later we saw this roll of drunken guys peeing into the fountain. So we walked a lil faster hoping they won't notice us. Soon they were walking behind us and we were freaked out once again but thank god nothing happened. Just now as well, after the ball, I walked down to Viaduct to meet them. It was already 12am (Considered really late here compared to Sg) and I started feeling uneasy I kinda ran there. On the way 2 huge guys started saying 'Hi' and I was like...Oh no... not again.... I ignored and walked faster...and thank god again I saw the rest just awhile later.
Crappy people here...all out to freak people out. Always have to run back at night.
Tomorrow would be the last day of my self-proclaimed break. After which I'm gonna study real hard and make up for the first half of the sem. Although I still cringe when I hear the phrase 'criminal law', but I'm gonna study my ass of for that. Hell no I'm gonna retake that paper for another year. Over my dead body.
It was really stressfult preparing for it because I really dread preparing for these kinda stuff which to me, is really redundant. I didn't want to spend any money on a dress which I know I will never wear again so I asked my mom to send some over. It was chucked in one corner till today, when I was running late, I realized that it wasn't exactly straight nor ironed. But too late to find for the iron. Heck it all and went out. I was utterly unprepared for it because I just kept lagging the whole morning cooking and watching dramas. I tried to put in some effort by painting my toe nails but I became too engrossed in my drama and before I knew it, I was late and just left it incomplete. I'm sure people really look at your toes in the dark. Shouldn't even put it in the first place. Whatever it is, I don't like going for balls. And you need to put on layers of make-up and its just so difficult. But I'd a pro and I just mimicked Jo's procedure and got it done relatively smoothly. Although I felt utterly uncomfortable the whole night:
Yuck, I feel fake.
No, that is not me.
This is me!
casual, outdoors, food, coffee, gathering at my place...
The past few nights were good yet not too good
Bad because I was still disturbed by the mounting stuff I gotta complete.
Good because I'd something to get me distracted at night.
Went for dinner and drink on thursday, came back and cooked till 3am, woke up at 7am the next morning, rushed down to foodtown and came back cooking for another couple of hours, went for lunch with Jo, rushed to lects, had the rest over at my place for dinner and movie till 12am, housework till 2am, woke up at 8am, went to sylvia park and random tran stops and at last returning to the city and back to the hobson pple's place for a drink and some rubbish mv guessing games. Walked back at 1am which nearly freaked the hell out of us. There was a fight between the maori group and some asians along queenstreet. They were directly behind us and we were trying to cross the road but the lights were red and we saw the guy behind digging the dustbin for something (probably a glass bottle to whack the other guy) and I was like...hell no...please don't whack us. When the lights turned green I wanted to fly across the road before they start throwing bottles at us but no, we needed to walk as calmly as we can. Else if we catch their attention they will probably start coming after us. We finally reached kitchener street and took a deep breadth - saying how lucky we were for not being mugged but a few seconds later we saw this roll of drunken guys peeing into the fountain. So we walked a lil faster hoping they won't notice us. Soon they were walking behind us and we were freaked out once again but thank god nothing happened. Just now as well, after the ball, I walked down to Viaduct to meet them. It was already 12am (Considered really late here compared to Sg) and I started feeling uneasy I kinda ran there. On the way 2 huge guys started saying 'Hi' and I was like...Oh no... not again.... I ignored and walked faster...and thank god again I saw the rest just awhile later.
Crappy people here...all out to freak people out. Always have to run back at night.
Tomorrow would be the last day of my self-proclaimed break. After which I'm gonna study real hard and make up for the first half of the sem. Although I still cringe when I hear the phrase 'criminal law', but I'm gonna study my ass of for that. Hell no I'm gonna retake that paper for another year. Over my dead body.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
bon voyage
Mp left for Japan today.
Didn't manage to call her because I came home too late.
But just wanna wish her bon voyage and take care.
See you a few years later..
You owe me a treat at kushin bo.
And I'm sure you owe me money as well.
Didn't manage to call her because I came home too late.
But just wanna wish her bon voyage and take care.
See you a few years later..
You owe me a treat at kushin bo.
And I'm sure you owe me money as well.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Sure enough, I absolutely screwed up crim test. In law, it is almost impossible to finish the paper in time. But not only I finished the paper in time, I finished it earlier. In other words, I've nothing to write. I knew this would happen and of course, I'm absolutely disappointed because I've spent tremendous amount of time preparing for it. Yet, my condition was just totally off. I just can't think, can't absorb, don't understand the case, can't do the paper, can't remember anything, can't write. Even my friends who studied way lesser than me knew how to do the paper. Congrats Huiling. You are so screwed.
My notes were well prepared. In fact, I would say I was well-prepared but I just couldn't focus. The condition I was in when doing the paper was just wrong and its just a pity. This is the first time I encountered such a situation in the exams. Last year I was so focus and well-prepared, I went in the exam hall in tip-top condition. But today was just another disappointment.
Knew I couldn't get over it after the paper. Forced a several smiles and laughter, kidding with the rest that I'm gonna fail and saying as if I'm fine with it. But of course I'm not ok with it. Who is ok with failing.
Knew I couldn't get over it and staying at home alone would make it worse. Met up with yc and grace for dinner and mucked around starbucks till midnight when they closed. Came back and remembered about the paper I just took and my heart just sank again. Decided that I can't stay on like that, I went to cook. Yeah I started cooking at 1am till now, 3am. Just cooked and cooked to divert my attention. Finished cooking. Nothing else to divert my attention.
everything just gotta happen in a series. bad worse worst...need a break... go on huiling go on......
My notes were well prepared. In fact, I would say I was well-prepared but I just couldn't focus. The condition I was in when doing the paper was just wrong and its just a pity. This is the first time I encountered such a situation in the exams. Last year I was so focus and well-prepared, I went in the exam hall in tip-top condition. But today was just another disappointment.
Knew I couldn't get over it after the paper. Forced a several smiles and laughter, kidding with the rest that I'm gonna fail and saying as if I'm fine with it. But of course I'm not ok with it. Who is ok with failing.
Knew I couldn't get over it and staying at home alone would make it worse. Met up with yc and grace for dinner and mucked around starbucks till midnight when they closed. Came back and remembered about the paper I just took and my heart just sank again. Decided that I can't stay on like that, I went to cook. Yeah I started cooking at 1am till now, 3am. Just cooked and cooked to divert my attention. Finished cooking. Nothing else to divert my attention.
everything just gotta happen in a series. bad worse worst...need a break... go on huiling go on......
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
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Saturday, August 18, 2007
Alright, fate ain't with me.
Anyway, we went over to Jeremy's homestay this afternoon for potluck. And, the amount of food was... crazily a lot man. I kinda expected that. I mean, I always had an impression that kiwi families prepare heaps of food when they have visitors. And if all 8 of us bring something, the amount of food would be far too much. I thought I could finally sleep in after a week of early mornings but No! I had to wake up as early as if I need to rush for an assignment or something. Randomly did some sushi, baked potato and carrots, did a lil housework and rushed off.
The place was a wee bit far from the city and I'm sure I'll be late everyday for lectures if I've to stay that far. Food was good, tried several local dishes but I was just too full because I practically ate my lunch when I was preparing the sushi - I need to eat all the ugly ends.
I'm sure there are heaps of photos in the others' blogs but I don't because I didn't bring a camera here. They gave me the what?-you-mean-you-don't-have-a-camera-overseas-are-you-crazy? look and I returned a I'm-not-a-camera-person look. I mean I do want photos but I don't want to take them. Its like, I'll just rip them off from the rest because even if I had a camera it would stay in the bag.
And about photos, I just need to say this! I get real restless when people start taking photos of food. My food especially. Like, when I'm so damn hungry, after waiting for so damn long for my dish to be served and waiting for everyone's else's, you still got to wait for a photo-taking session! And its as if the dishes are some celebrities or what. And its so torturing to just sit there and look... thinking everything is going to get cold soon. (Haha, I'm just greedy.) I know, its not abnormal to do that because majority of my friends do that and they know I'm super frustrated when they do, but they still do it! 'Huiling! cannot eat yet! Wait.' Me: 'argh' and rolls eyes.
If my parents ever see this post, they will probably be shaking their heads saying 'Huiling, you're very greedy leh... don't eat already la. You very fat already you know.' And I'll be replying, 'Orh.' Still eating or thinking of what I'm gonna cook the next day. I remembered how my parents tried controlling my diet when I was young. I was and still am like a vacuum cleaner wiping out everything on the dinner table and my mom had to always take half a portion of my rice away when we were out for dinner. Because of that, I'm perpetually angry with her during dinners. Up till today, they still ask me to stop eating so much. But it is different when I came to Auckland. They always ask me to stop eating so much but soon after, they would be asking, 'eh, you better eat properly you know, don't just think about saving money. Want to eat then eat.' When they were here last month, my mom cooked heaps and ate so little and pushing everything to me. See the irony? That is the irony of parental love for their children.
Anyway, I was reading through some of my history readings from the Ming Dynasty all the way till the Iberian control over Americas. Suddenly I sensed a lil familiarity... and I realized a few years back when I was reading about poverty for GP, they said something about poverty's root cause was because of the British. They stated very briefly why - something about how they manipulated wealth and stuff, but I didn't really understand. But when I read about slavery and plantation in America, it kinda drew a link with the issue of poverty and in my mind was...'Damn! the British are really...cunning.'
I quote, 'American land, African labour and European investment and management.' (for plantations) Yeah right - investment and management = . = I didn't know how far-reaching were the effects of colonization till recently. I especially don't like that idea about 'the character and moral of the 2 peoples, that is with perfect right that the Spaniards exercise their dominion over those barbarians of the New World and its adjacent islands' - like.. whatever! And that receiving their rule of writing, laws and morality, imbued with the Christian religion is a 'gift' to that colonized country. Its something like - I killed your best friend and instead of saying sorry, I said 'you really should thank me because I think your best friend is not good enough, I'm better. Now, thank me.' And then you're supposed to say 'Ok, thank you (for killing my best friend).'
And, I'm just feeling a lil uneasy the past few nights. Because thanks to me and only me, I'm frightening myself again! Last night, after dinner, we went to Gloria Jeans for coffee and chatted. We talked a lil on scary movies and stuff like that but thats enough to make me scared for the rest of the night because the thought gets stuck in your head and it just start weaving its own imagination till you get so scared and paranoid you just wanna hide under covers. I reached home slightly after midnight and by then, the lights along the corridor were already dimmed which made it even more well, mysterious? And if that is not enough, once I reached home I started my drama which was about a murder case and occasional shocks already made my heart skipped a beat several times. I really lack self-control when it comes to these kinda stuff, I so wanna hear but I know I'll be totally freaked out. And its stupid to do so because I'm staying alone and the rest are staying with house-mates! I remembered previously I was the one who said I didn't want to listen but a few minutes later I was the one saying. No, this will never happen again!
You know, I really need to study. Like now. I really need the grant next year. No more money. And yesterday,
Me: 'How was the contracts test?'
Jen: 'It was alright, I just hope I pass.'
Me:'Is it that difficult?'
Jen:'Yeah, I failed the previous sem. You know, 40% failed criminal last sem. Some in this LT are repeat students.'
Me: 'Shit.'
And don't know who told me crim was the easiest out of the 4 Part II papers. And don't know why I'm so stupid to believe that. After that conversation, I'm quite sure I'm not going to join them for the trip to South during Spring break.
What a long long long post, I still got lotsa stuff I wanna say, especially about witchcraft! Ok, I'll just say it now. I found it amusing about the punishment for witchcraft. I mean its cruel but nonetheless, ha ha. How did they punish the accused: Try drowning her. If she drowns - she is not a witch (Yay! She is acquitted! But she is dead) If she doesn't drown - she is a witch (Yay! She is not dead! But she is a witch. Damn... gotta get another punishment which I reckon, worse than the one she just been through!)
Anyway, we went over to Jeremy's homestay this afternoon for potluck. And, the amount of food was... crazily a lot man. I kinda expected that. I mean, I always had an impression that kiwi families prepare heaps of food when they have visitors. And if all 8 of us bring something, the amount of food would be far too much. I thought I could finally sleep in after a week of early mornings but No! I had to wake up as early as if I need to rush for an assignment or something. Randomly did some sushi, baked potato and carrots, did a lil housework and rushed off.
The place was a wee bit far from the city and I'm sure I'll be late everyday for lectures if I've to stay that far. Food was good, tried several local dishes but I was just too full because I practically ate my lunch when I was preparing the sushi - I need to eat all the ugly ends.
I'm sure there are heaps of photos in the others' blogs but I don't because I didn't bring a camera here. They gave me the what?-you-mean-you-don't-have-a-camera-overseas-are-you-crazy? look and I returned a I'm-not-a-camera-person look. I mean I do want photos but I don't want to take them. Its like, I'll just rip them off from the rest because even if I had a camera it would stay in the bag.
And about photos, I just need to say this! I get real restless when people start taking photos of food. My food especially. Like, when I'm so damn hungry, after waiting for so damn long for my dish to be served and waiting for everyone's else's, you still got to wait for a photo-taking session! And its as if the dishes are some celebrities or what. And its so torturing to just sit there and look... thinking everything is going to get cold soon. (Haha, I'm just greedy.) I know, its not abnormal to do that because majority of my friends do that and they know I'm super frustrated when they do, but they still do it! 'Huiling! cannot eat yet! Wait.' Me: 'argh' and rolls eyes.
If my parents ever see this post, they will probably be shaking their heads saying 'Huiling, you're very greedy leh... don't eat already la. You very fat already you know.' And I'll be replying, 'Orh.' Still eating or thinking of what I'm gonna cook the next day. I remembered how my parents tried controlling my diet when I was young. I was and still am like a vacuum cleaner wiping out everything on the dinner table and my mom had to always take half a portion of my rice away when we were out for dinner. Because of that, I'm perpetually angry with her during dinners. Up till today, they still ask me to stop eating so much. But it is different when I came to Auckland. They always ask me to stop eating so much but soon after, they would be asking, 'eh, you better eat properly you know, don't just think about saving money. Want to eat then eat.' When they were here last month, my mom cooked heaps and ate so little and pushing everything to me. See the irony? That is the irony of parental love for their children.
Anyway, I was reading through some of my history readings from the Ming Dynasty all the way till the Iberian control over Americas. Suddenly I sensed a lil familiarity... and I realized a few years back when I was reading about poverty for GP, they said something about poverty's root cause was because of the British. They stated very briefly why - something about how they manipulated wealth and stuff, but I didn't really understand. But when I read about slavery and plantation in America, it kinda drew a link with the issue of poverty and in my mind was...'Damn! the British are really...cunning.'
I quote, 'American land, African labour and European investment and management.' (for plantations) Yeah right - investment and management = . = I didn't know how far-reaching were the effects of colonization till recently. I especially don't like that idea about 'the character and moral of the 2 peoples, that is with perfect right that the Spaniards exercise their dominion over those barbarians of the New World and its adjacent islands' - like.. whatever! And that receiving their rule of writing, laws and morality, imbued with the Christian religion is a 'gift' to that colonized country. Its something like - I killed your best friend and instead of saying sorry, I said 'you really should thank me because I think your best friend is not good enough, I'm better. Now, thank me.' And then you're supposed to say 'Ok, thank you (for killing my best friend).'
And, I'm just feeling a lil uneasy the past few nights. Because thanks to me and only me, I'm frightening myself again! Last night, after dinner, we went to Gloria Jeans for coffee and chatted. We talked a lil on scary movies and stuff like that but thats enough to make me scared for the rest of the night because the thought gets stuck in your head and it just start weaving its own imagination till you get so scared and paranoid you just wanna hide under covers. I reached home slightly after midnight and by then, the lights along the corridor were already dimmed which made it even more well, mysterious? And if that is not enough, once I reached home I started my drama which was about a murder case and occasional shocks already made my heart skipped a beat several times. I really lack self-control when it comes to these kinda stuff, I so wanna hear but I know I'll be totally freaked out. And its stupid to do so because I'm staying alone and the rest are staying with house-mates! I remembered previously I was the one who said I didn't want to listen but a few minutes later I was the one saying. No, this will never happen again!
You know, I really need to study. Like now. I really need the grant next year. No more money. And yesterday,
Me: 'How was the contracts test?'
Jen: 'It was alright, I just hope I pass.'
Me:'Is it that difficult?'
Jen:'Yeah, I failed the previous sem. You know, 40% failed criminal last sem. Some in this LT are repeat students.'
Me: 'Shit.'
And don't know who told me crim was the easiest out of the 4 Part II papers. And don't know why I'm so stupid to believe that. After that conversation, I'm quite sure I'm not going to join them for the trip to South during Spring break.
What a long long long post, I still got lotsa stuff I wanna say, especially about witchcraft! Ok, I'll just say it now. I found it amusing about the punishment for witchcraft. I mean its cruel but nonetheless, ha ha. How did they punish the accused: Try drowning her. If she drowns - she is not a witch (Yay! She is acquitted! But she is dead) If she doesn't drown - she is a witch (Yay! She is not dead! But she is a witch. Damn... gotta get another punishment which I reckon, worse than the one she just been through!)
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
LINKIN PARK IN NZ
Although I'm so damn screwed now with all my assignments and stuff, I reckon I can take a few minutes off to say this...LINKIN PARK IS COMING TO AUCKLAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And if fate allows, tickets would still be available tomorrow, and they will make it here, and I'll make it to vector arena and I'll see them!!!
AND
its only $99!!! ITS MUCH CHEAPER COMPARED TO SINGAPORE! AND THIS IS LINKIN PARK!
BUT >>>> its still going be a huge financial burden on me (I MEAN IT!)
BUT >>>> I'm still gonna go if fate allows!!!
AND
JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE IS COMINE AS WELL!!!!!!!!!
JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE! THAT N'SYNC GUY WHO SANG BYE BYE BYE and became the guy who sang SEXY BACK, SUMMER LOVE etc etc!!
I WANNA GO! I WANNA GO!
AND
Snow petrol, fall out boys blah blah blah are also coming. But nothing can be compared to the above 2!!!
NZ is not that ulu after all. Who says NZ can't be a lil more commercialized? ha. ha.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
NDP, Rangitoto
NDP
It was National Day last Thursday and we held a small lil celebration over at my place. I recently met a group of NUS exchange student here when we were traveling in Coromendal. We were in this ulu cafe in this ulu town when I heard someone speaking in this Malaysian/Singaporean accent. My gut feeling told me that they were NUS exchange students because they just look like typical Singapore Uni students - and they were.
We exchanged contacts and met up on National Day at my place to watch NDP online. They brought heaps of pizzas, pies, ice-cream and wine. The main purpose was to watch NDP but at last we only caught a few minutes of it because there is a limitation for my internet connection and we were too engrossed in Simpsons.
We watched the starting though, the parades and stuff. Half the time the guys were being real critical at the videos depicting army life. After the parade we switched to Simpsons the Movie (damn funny and stupid. Especially Homer. As usual.).
Some of them left, the rest stayed over because it was too late.
My mom and I
Rangitoto
Finally, I went to Rangitoto. Every morning, afternoon, evening I see it (my apartment faces this volcano) but never been there till yesterday. Woke up real early and went to the ferry terminal to take the first ferry across.
And the trek there reaffirmed my view that NZ's standards of trekking cannot be trusted! OR maybe they are just too fit. I thought it was going to be an easy way up and down from the summit. Initially it was, we just casually climbed up, still had the energy to talk along the way up. We reached the summit at around 12 noon and it didn't feel all that tiring. In fact, its a real nice trek because it is like trekking in an air-conditioned forest. (Its winter here)
View from summit
After lunch we took the the coastal trek down which don't really feel like one since the views we supposedly should have seen were blocked by trees. And damn, the treks were totally not very nice at all. I reckon Rangitoto is a volcano that is why the treks are actually rocks. All freaking rocks which are really so damn difficult and painful and uneven to walk on. I probably spent 99% of my time looking down to see where am I walking with occasionally slips. The most regretful thing was that I forgot to cut my toe nails and the trek back which was much longer was painful since it was down slope. But it was good fun since this is the first trek I did which is kinda different.
Took the last ferry back to Auckland and I brought them to BBQ King, the place I frequent most and apparently they loved it because I guess it tasted something close to home.
After dinner, Ivan and Danny left and the rest of us mucked around Starbucks till midnight when it closed. There was no where else to go except home and thats when we headed off in different directions. It was quite a fulfilling day because I finally got to trek after #$%^&*() weeks and I found someone who is keen in going rock-climbing and another who is a great fan of TVB. But not that fulfilling when I realize... my online test is due soon, very soon. And assignments too. And readings as well. And before I know it, SPRING HOLS! GOODBYE WINTER!
It was National Day last Thursday and we held a small lil celebration over at my place. I recently met a group of NUS exchange student here when we were traveling in Coromendal. We were in this ulu cafe in this ulu town when I heard someone speaking in this Malaysian/Singaporean accent. My gut feeling told me that they were NUS exchange students because they just look like typical Singapore Uni students - and they were.
We exchanged contacts and met up on National Day at my place to watch NDP online. They brought heaps of pizzas, pies, ice-cream and wine. The main purpose was to watch NDP but at last we only caught a few minutes of it because there is a limitation for my internet connection and we were too engrossed in Simpsons.
We watched the starting though, the parades and stuff. Half the time the guys were being real critical at the videos depicting army life. After the parade we switched to Simpsons the Movie (damn funny and stupid. Especially Homer. As usual.).
Some of them left, the rest stayed over because it was too late.
My mom and I
Rangitoto
Finally, I went to Rangitoto. Every morning, afternoon, evening I see it (my apartment faces this volcano) but never been there till yesterday. Woke up real early and went to the ferry terminal to take the first ferry across.
And the trek there reaffirmed my view that NZ's standards of trekking cannot be trusted! OR maybe they are just too fit. I thought it was going to be an easy way up and down from the summit. Initially it was, we just casually climbed up, still had the energy to talk along the way up. We reached the summit at around 12 noon and it didn't feel all that tiring. In fact, its a real nice trek because it is like trekking in an air-conditioned forest. (Its winter here)
View from summit
After lunch we took the the coastal trek down which don't really feel like one since the views we supposedly should have seen were blocked by trees. And damn, the treks were totally not very nice at all. I reckon Rangitoto is a volcano that is why the treks are actually rocks. All freaking rocks which are really so damn difficult and painful and uneven to walk on. I probably spent 99% of my time looking down to see where am I walking with occasionally slips. The most regretful thing was that I forgot to cut my toe nails and the trek back which was much longer was painful since it was down slope. But it was good fun since this is the first trek I did which is kinda different.
Took the last ferry back to Auckland and I brought them to BBQ King, the place I frequent most and apparently they loved it because I guess it tasted something close to home.
After dinner, Ivan and Danny left and the rest of us mucked around Starbucks till midnight when it closed. There was no where else to go except home and thats when we headed off in different directions. It was quite a fulfilling day because I finally got to trek after #$%^&*() weeks and I found someone who is keen in going rock-climbing and another who is a great fan of TVB. But not that fulfilling when I realize... my online test is due soon, very soon. And assignments too. And readings as well. And before I know it, SPRING HOLS! GOODBYE WINTER!
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Regret
'The complete absence of noise and movement, that brought me into contact with myself.'
Regret is the title of this piece playing on my blog. I don't know what you think of it, but it some how makes me feel as though it is a reflection of my life. Not a single word in it yet means so much. An elusive piece, my elusive thoughts.
As I grow older my regrets grew stronger, as if one is directly proportionate to the other. Sometimes regret is gainful, when you regret what you failed to do, you make sure you won't this time around. Sometimes its painful, when you realize it, it is far too late, the consequences have already gotten into you.
Who I am now is a reflection of my past and experiences - whether I have learned from it or fell because of it. Sometimes I try to dissimulate my true feelings to cloak my failure in learning and regrets, all for the purpose to move on. But I guess its all a sham, when there is complete silence, you come face to face with yourself and by then, I vindicate myself from the expectations of myself. Well, not really actually. Sometimes, it is freedom to be how you want to be. Sometimes, it is me reproaching myself - why can't I do this, why can't I do that?
I often stop and think if my expectations are too high? But I always come to the same conclusion - No. It is how a reasonable person would expect. Next I would ask what caused the current situation I am in? Considering every factor, I came to a conclusion that the paramount reason is my past. Finding nothing blameworthy except myself, yet not wanting to carry such a heavy burden, I succumbed to regret - If only I had done xxx I wouldn't be like xxx. Since I can't do anything to change xxx I'm the way I am, I will remain xxx.
There are other more hopeful attitudes towards this but this only proves a point that we all like to take the easy way out, which is not that easy per se. Tried yet failed. Tried again yet failed again. Sometimes I doubt the common belief that the more you've gone through, the stronger you are. I rather stand for the saying once beaten, twice shy. I remembered how aggressive I was last time, how confident I was. Now it is dwindling.
It takes much more courage to try again and it takes much more convincing to do so. I would like to change most aspects of my life, so much so that I hope to live again, start off as a clean slate.
I regretted I never really see the importance of a family. Up till now I'm guilty to say that I have never made up for it although I am gradually understanding the amount of sacrifices my family made for me. I've blamed them for their over protection, which made me missed out a lot in my school days. Although I still occasionally do blame them, I blamed myself even more for not accommodating another perspective - their reasons. I knew the reasons but just did not think it was justified, because reasonable parents won't act that way. But I realize that there is no such thing as a reasonable parent when it comes to protecting their child, because their love is unconditional and unreasonable. A reasonable person won't do what a parent does. A parent is not a reasonable person when it comes to his child because his anxiety for the child clouds his reasonableness so basing the standard of a 'reasonable' parent, if there is even such definition, to your parent, is in fact unreasonable on your part. I was unreasonable.
But for the past 20 years I was brought up in a sphere of self-centeredness. The transition stage is just too difficult. I'm not a person who speaks my mind, not a person who takes the initiative, not a person who dares to show love or hatred. A person who appears to be relatively indifferent. I hope to make that transition quick and painless but whenever I do, I know it is not myself and I can't go against myself. Then another question, what actually is myself?
I often find myself bearing the label of being indifferent. I am not, I am really not. I take things very seriously, maybe too serious such that I need to look indifferent to offset my over-cautious attitude to everything and everyone. Gradually I like being quiet because keeping quiet is the safest. But when you fall into silence, you get cut off from the world.
And that, I regret.
Regret is the title of this piece playing on my blog. I don't know what you think of it, but it some how makes me feel as though it is a reflection of my life. Not a single word in it yet means so much. An elusive piece, my elusive thoughts.
As I grow older my regrets grew stronger, as if one is directly proportionate to the other. Sometimes regret is gainful, when you regret what you failed to do, you make sure you won't this time around. Sometimes its painful, when you realize it, it is far too late, the consequences have already gotten into you.
Who I am now is a reflection of my past and experiences - whether I have learned from it or fell because of it. Sometimes I try to dissimulate my true feelings to cloak my failure in learning and regrets, all for the purpose to move on. But I guess its all a sham, when there is complete silence, you come face to face with yourself and by then, I vindicate myself from the expectations of myself. Well, not really actually. Sometimes, it is freedom to be how you want to be. Sometimes, it is me reproaching myself - why can't I do this, why can't I do that?
I often stop and think if my expectations are too high? But I always come to the same conclusion - No. It is how a reasonable person would expect. Next I would ask what caused the current situation I am in? Considering every factor, I came to a conclusion that the paramount reason is my past. Finding nothing blameworthy except myself, yet not wanting to carry such a heavy burden, I succumbed to regret - If only I had done xxx I wouldn't be like xxx. Since I can't do anything to change xxx I'm the way I am, I will remain xxx.
There are other more hopeful attitudes towards this but this only proves a point that we all like to take the easy way out, which is not that easy per se. Tried yet failed. Tried again yet failed again. Sometimes I doubt the common belief that the more you've gone through, the stronger you are. I rather stand for the saying once beaten, twice shy. I remembered how aggressive I was last time, how confident I was. Now it is dwindling.
It takes much more courage to try again and it takes much more convincing to do so. I would like to change most aspects of my life, so much so that I hope to live again, start off as a clean slate.
I regretted I never really see the importance of a family. Up till now I'm guilty to say that I have never made up for it although I am gradually understanding the amount of sacrifices my family made for me. I've blamed them for their over protection, which made me missed out a lot in my school days. Although I still occasionally do blame them, I blamed myself even more for not accommodating another perspective - their reasons. I knew the reasons but just did not think it was justified, because reasonable parents won't act that way. But I realize that there is no such thing as a reasonable parent when it comes to protecting their child, because their love is unconditional and unreasonable. A reasonable person won't do what a parent does. A parent is not a reasonable person when it comes to his child because his anxiety for the child clouds his reasonableness so basing the standard of a 'reasonable' parent, if there is even such definition, to your parent, is in fact unreasonable on your part. I was unreasonable.
But for the past 20 years I was brought up in a sphere of self-centeredness. The transition stage is just too difficult. I'm not a person who speaks my mind, not a person who takes the initiative, not a person who dares to show love or hatred. A person who appears to be relatively indifferent. I hope to make that transition quick and painless but whenever I do, I know it is not myself and I can't go against myself. Then another question, what actually is myself?
I often find myself bearing the label of being indifferent. I am not, I am really not. I take things very seriously, maybe too serious such that I need to look indifferent to offset my over-cautious attitude to everything and everyone. Gradually I like being quiet because keeping quiet is the safest. But when you fall into silence, you get cut off from the world.
And that, I regret.
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