buay paiseh

A day which made me feel thick-skinned.
Today was another tiring day but business was real good. We went downtown to get some stuff and headed to Foodtown to get groceries - we bought heaps of stuff to last us for another 2 weeks. My bag was full of notes and the groceries were so heavy. By that time, I was already dazed - I was so tired. We walked to the entrance and when the door opened, we realized it was pouring outside. It was already dark and cold and I was too tired to walk the steep slope with the freaking heavy bag in that kind of rain. We stood there for a moment and I looked at Carol and said. 'No. I'm not going to walk home.' Then I looked behind us, at the carpark. 'Let's go and get a lift.' I can't believe she agreed. I guess she was too tired as well.

So we walked around the carpark trying to find people who looked friendly enough to give us a lift. Actually I was damn scared we are gonna get scolded. I don't think people hitch rides in town. I don't even know if hitching rides here is normal. But I don't care! I'm not going to walk back! We saw a couple and thought they looked pretty alright so we followed them to their car and asked if they could give us a lift. They were like.. ermmmm.. different direction. Ok, so we walked around again, saw another car with young teens and ran to stop them. But they said they were going in a different direction as well. Then we saw another couple, nearly asked them but saw the lady talking real fiercely to her husband so we were thinking.. better not. Then we saw another girl, and we started following her to her car. Omg. I felt damn stupid and embarrassed..its as if we were stalkers. We asked sheepishly and she was nice enough to give us a lift back - right at our door step. We were damn lucky - and that decision was just spontaneous. I never expected that I would think of that and never expected we would actually really do that. Haha but it was...another experience I guess.

We reached home, packed the stuff and when I saw the ribbon on Carol's table, I realized.. we forgot to buy Alex's birthday present AGAIN! This is the 2nd time. No way we're going down to foodtown again. Die also don't want. I'm so dead tired. Tomorrow is another crazily busy day. Oh no. As I'm typing this, I realized I haven't done our advertisement poster. Damn. Anyways, we searched the whole freaking house for stuff to chip in to his present and we came up with a hamper full of groceries. Finally, thats settled - it looks pretty damn cool even with a hong bao attached to it

Friday

I'm sure the test did not go as well as I would like it.
I was just not feeling well before and during the test. Just too tired, too tired till you don't know that you need a rest, too tired till you can't rest.
After blacking out in the toilet, I knew I needed a rest but I know too that I can't afford it. Well actually, I think its just all in your mind. If you tell yourself you aren't tired, you aren't! Well, at least its my way of hanging in there.

While we were cooking, I did stuff unknowingly - I did not wash the veg before cooking, I used the dirty spoon to get the dark sauce, I added way too much water into the rice. My mind seemed way too congested to be thinking of other stuff - its like your mind and body is just not in sync.

Later at night, I got real frustrated because the headache was killing, I'm not prepared and I was giving crappy solutions to people with problems - I'm so sorry. I became real hungry and felt so meat-deprived. I suddenly thought I saw a drumstick walking into my room but sadly that was actually Carol. How disappointing.

Slept pretty late and was woken up by my handphone - someone wanting to buy another set of notes. Something nice to wake up to but then again, I knew the day ahead was gonna be sucky - I was still tired, the sleep was nothing close to 'enough' and the headache was still there. But, never underestimate the power of your mind - I got through the day with a headache, I got through the test as well.

But the highlight of the night was - Good Charlotte. They were having a concert next to Brooklyn lounge where Gabby's birthday was held. We waited outside hoping to catch a glimpse of them and took out scrapes of paper just in case we were lucky enough to get their signature - and we were that lucky! Ok, honestly, I don't know how many band members are there nor how they look like. But anyway, they came one by one and signed on the papers we were holding and they were pretty nice. As in, they bother to talk to you if you do, but obviously I didn't, I don't even know their individual names. When Billy (I think) took my paper, he accidentally dropped it and picked it up again. I was like.. shit.. because he could see the back of the paper I was using. Its a pathetic piece of used photocopy prepaid card. But fortunately he just apologized. They were all nice and I thought we were kinda like freeloaders there - without even attending the concert, don't even know their individual names. And after which, thinking of selling their signatures on TradeMe.


And our apartment was on fire. Well not on our level but the 3rd one. We saw a few fire engines and firemen when we were walking home and thought it was Hyatt on fire. But realized that it was ours. They look pretty cool though

2am now. Ought to be sleeping - a trip to Goat island tomorrow morning. We were supposed to be doing the tongariro trek this weekend but couldn't make it at the last minute due to the test - but it was a blessing in disguise. The weather is so bad now and I'm sure I'll be freezing in the tent if we made it there. Goat island trip sounds less intimidating and friendly.

My reflections this week...

It was and still is my dream, since young, that I will do something big - something massive, something ambitious. When I was in Primary3, I dreamed of being on the cover of magazines. In Sec 3 I planned my career route. But as time passes, the belief of achieving eventually fades as I faced my obstacles one after another. I changed from the 'can-do and do-it-well' attitude to the 'just-get-over-with-it' one. Maybe I wasn't strong enough - I knew I was always the weak one, I needed someone pulling me along but I knew as well, that if I still bear the hope of achieving my dream, I needed to get up myself.

I admired people around me who are strong - those who could go through adversities without complaining, without even seeking help. You never know what they've been through unless they told you. Nothing is written on their face, no signs of sadness, resentment, sorrow, bitterness. Maybe that is true courage, that is true character.
I always thought I went through a difficult path, something which I can't explicitly explain to others yet hope someone would be there to push me through. But now, I hope I can be a bit more braver, a bit more stronger, a bit more independent, a bit more reliable. But on some days, it just gets so tiring that you just want to take a break.

I thought I could handle it. I thought I could be more active this semester - I would go on trips, I would volunteer for events, I would learn the piano, I would earn my own money by selling notes and doing online sales. But at the same time, I want to do equally well for my studies, I want to be a good friend, I want to be a good daughter, I want to be a good person. But there are limits - I can feel the tiredness sinking in but I don't want to give up. I don't know how long can I last this way - Am I pushing myself too hard or I just need to get used to it? I hope that its the latter because I can't just stop here.

There are certain dreams I know I need to realize in my life. It was lost for a few years and its back again. This time around I can't let go of them.

Guess I'm over my limit.
Taking a break now. Today was just crazy. I'm mugging my ass of for tomorrow's test yet I'm getting so distracted thinking of ways to earn more money.
I didn't really sleep well last night nor the days before and have been awake only because of coffee. I earned another 50bucks today after selling another set of notes.
I made it a point that no matter what I want to do, I cannot let it affect my studies and that is only possible if I sacrifice my sleep or my meal times. I realized I got to maintain a certain standard for that scholarship which sucks in the sense that there is another source of pressure.

Anyway, I'm just kinda worried now. Tomorrow's my test and I'm not as prepared as I would like. There is still time left for me to catch up, but I doubt I can do much. I just feel so drained now. Just now when I was in the toilet, everything became blur and I blacked out for a moment. Maybe the effects of the coffee had worn off. I just feel like taking a long nap now but I know I can't afford it. Its 7plus now, I still got time left to do the last minute preparation but the world seems spinning. But I think I still can go on - you see, I am still able to blog.
Ok, Huiling, go for it!!!

its the time of the year again - when everyone gets stressed out, and when all sorts of problems start surfacing and life seems screwed.

But it always seems to end with a beautiful note, a one with hope.

Today, last night, a few days ago, all of a sudden, people started msging me telling me what they are going through. Some who I haven heard for a long time, some who I hardly know, some who I know real well. It seems that we're in the phase of change again. And seemingly, the term 'changes' kinda have a negative connotation but I guess, its just the fear and uncertainty that changes bring with it which causes our apprehension. But a revolution requires change, similarly we need to change to grow up.

Alright, thats besides the point. What I want to say is that we're entering a new phase of life. A time to put down our past struggles, a time to re-think and reflect, a time to form new goals and ambitions, a time to create a better person in you. Well, thats for me I guess.

For those facing adversities, hopefully you'll find a way out - something you got to solve it yourself but not go through it alone. I'm glad that I'm one of those you all have approached. Though I know full-well that I can never solve your problems, I know too, that you don't expect me to and you already know what to do, maybe its just the assurance.

Tonight is real peaceful. Everyone's asleep, the hall is dark, but I sit here alone typing this because I just want to let you know that there is nothing too difficult to solve. I was once a person who struggled a lot in life but just hang in there and one day you'll realize the beauty of life.

I guess I sound real unrealistic in this entry.. like I'm somewhere out there daydreaming. But regardless of that, I just think if you really want something badly, fight for it and endure through the shit. You'll get something out of it. Even if you don't, you'll realize how many people are just round the corner supporting you - isn't that enough?

Jo - Like I said, I really hope that I can show you what I've seen here - I'll make sure that comes true, even if money is a problem.
MP - Congrats, you deserve it and I think it would be a mind=blowing experience. Sadly, I think the next time I would see you would be...2 years later? or 3? or 4? or maybe 5.....
Esther - enjoy your stay in korea and stop chasing after rain!
All those out there - thank you.

YES! YES! YES!
My scholarship got approved! YES YES YES!
YES! My uni fees are paid for! YES! I can use the money for backpacking!
I felt tensed while opening the letter.. and when I saw 'Scholarship Approval Advice' I was so happy I felt like jumping down the building.

I earned 60bucks today. Someone bought my notes. Haha I'm rather shock though. Hopefully, more people would be texting me for it. I really need the money. The money I got today is just enough to pay for the goat island trip this weekend. I need more to pay for my piano lessons, for the keyboard, for the driving lessons, for my groceries, for the bills, hopefully for all my daily expenses. I really need the money. And the feeling of earning your own money is just great. When my 1st 'customer' paid me, I knew I am addicted to it.

So much so that we're gonna start a small business. An online business, I think the start-up cost is only around 10bucks. And maybe selling the stuff in the Uni. Oh..I'm so excited about that - I kept thinking about it the whole day. It also means that I've to be real focus now - in my studies. I've no time to waste.

But theres so many stuff distracting me now. So many things going on, so many things I wanna do. I finally convinced Carol to jump into the sea from the wharf after our finals. Thats during winter. She was against it initially, she said I was siao. But I kept telling her that you can only do these kinda stuff in NZ and the people around you won't think you are mad because they do that themselves. Ok, I don't think they would jump into the sea during winter, but thats so fun! I mean, the old man from China can even go swimming during winter, we are young people. I don't believe we can't do that. I can't wait for that day. We would run from the start of the wharf till the end and jump into the sea! Woohooo!! Cheap thrill - a good and cheap substitute for bungy. And we will swim like mad back to shore. AHHH sounds so fun! hahaha

Rotorua

Well, back from the short trip to Rotorua - Glad that I'm safe and sound.
The highlight of the trip was Kaituna whitewater rafting and its definitely worth the money. I was talking to the guide when we were on the shuttle to the river, he said that there are people who have done skydiving, bungy etc and were ok with it, but they shit their pants out during whitewater. I thought...is whitewater THAT scary?! And yes, it was THAT scary. I've done skydive, bungy, blackwater, trekking on ice glaciers...but whitewater is the one which really scared the hell out of me.

For bungy, skydive, you don't need to think. You just jump. You don't need to care about your own safety - the jump masters have already done that for you. Just jump. For whitewater, you better listen carefully, your safety is in your own hands. Maybe learning those safety precautions back in Odac made me extra cautious. There were simple commands during rafting - hold on, get down, stop, forward, back. But you gotta do it quick. Kaituna river is a grade 5 one, with a 7meters waterfall. The guide briefed us about what we should do in case of a capsize etc. He said we'll be below the raft in water, and we got to just hold on to it. The way to breathe is to pull yourself up to the base of the raft where theres air, they would climb on to the top of the raft and when they knock on it, we gotta let go, curl into a 'ball' and get flushed away by the water. By then, we would be out of the base of the raft and back to the surface. I thought it was a bit scary.. Huh? the raft needs to to 'float' back up to surface right.. how long? What if I really need to breathe? And the guide said.. 1 out of 4 raft capsizes.. I was like.. ok, thats quite possible that we would. I would like to cap, since its more exciting, but yet I still wanna live. I think what I was afraid most was that the water after the 7m drop would be as rough and saving wouldn't be easy.

Anyway, we just got on with it. The first drop was fun, 2m and 1m drop consecutively. The guides prayed to the river in their Maori way before we departed, and he said stuff about nature which...gave quite an impact on me. Over here, I often feel that they have companies for outdoor activities to not only make money, but because they really love it. You can feel it, that they really appreciate the nature and they take good care of it. After a few more rapids, the 7m waterfall was next. By then, I was kinda tensed, trying to remember everything the guide told us, to get into what kinda position etc. I told myself to open my eyes and look carefully. Look and feel it. They said another short prayer, we shouted, and we went. And freak! it was high! And before I could really see anything, the water practically 'collapsed' on us. Soon I couldn't see anything, I couldn't breathe and I was scared. The water was so strong, it was pushing me off the raft and I grabbed the rope and my paddle tightly - I was hanging on to my dear life. I tried to see what was happening but it was impossible, the water was just too strong and I felt my whole body flung backwards, I can't even sit in a straight position. We were in the water for some time, I thought we capped, but we didn't, soon I was able to breathe again and I was ecstatic. I'm glad that I'm alive. I realized that theres a gap below the waterfall. I can't remember whats that formation call,but you know, for waterfalls, due to the water which causes erosion, theres this big gap below. Yeah. That thing was scary. That wasn't it. We went through other rapids which weren't as high but exciting as well. The guide asked us to paddle towards the rapids and told me, 'honey, can you just walk to the front and squad there? hold on to the rope.' I was like..'huh? me?' 'Yeah, you.' 'ok.' I just listened and went to the front, in the middle. And I don't know what he did but the raft was totally tilted, the front was dipping right into the bottom of the rapids and the back wasn't even touching the water. The water gushed in and because I was in the middle and because I was in the front, the water was strong, cold and 'heavy'. And again, I felt that I couldn't breathe. After that, I gave him the..dots look. But the whole experience was real thrilling. I met a Japanese girl there as well, she is really brave, she looks young and she is backpacking alone! Oh.. so cool! I want to do that someday!

Thats her.. and our whitewater guide. I think they are damn cool!

We did other walks as well. Beautiful walks..

The Champagne Pool in Wai-O-Tapu, NZ's most colourful and diverse volcanic area

just a short walk from our place

We stayed in Funky Green backpackers, real small but clean. Had a small chat with an Israeli and German over breakfast. We talked about backpacking - He was into his 2nd month. He talked about how nice is diving in the Red Sea. I heard it as the 'Dead Sea'. So I said something real stupid - 'Won't you float?' Hahaha. Where is the Dead Sea anyways? I don't even remember! I should really learn the map before the next backpacking trip. We talked about skydiving and he said he will never step out of the plane unless it is on the ground. Haha what a good way to put it. When checking out, I had another chat with the host of the backpackers. I think he was from London and he had been to Singapore several times. And typical me, I started talking about Singapore without taking note of the time. And we were late for the bus! We ran like mad to the i-site. But thank god the bus was late.

Back in Auckland now, and finally, Carol is back from aust, YES! no more being alone! I feel safe once again. We had a real good dinner, done up by Carol and Rayvin. Last night, we were talking about religion, then we talked about ghosts and the supernatural stuff, suddenly she stopped and had this queer look. She wasn't looking at me, she looked past me. My heart literally skipped a beat. I turned over slowly, I didn't see anything. I looked at her again and she was staring hard at the door. I asked.. 'What?' And she looked back at me saying 'No la, I'm just checking if the door is lock.' WTH! I nearly strangled her. I don't know if I should laugh or not but I started tearing. And she laughed so badly. It wasn't funny! I had enough of all these 'freak-outs' the past few days! Too many alright! Along the streets, at home, at rotorua.

Just now, we were invited to a charity dinner by the UMNO. Can't remember what that stood for, some Malaysian thing. It was cool - at skycity hotel, $85pp, but we got in free cause we are volunteering for tmr's carnival. I didn't intend to go till the last minute. It was a formal dinner and just before the dinner we rushed back from the library and tried digging out some formal wear. My clothes weren't even ironed and there wasn't time for it. We just laughed like mad because we were ridiculously late with no clothes and frantically finding for something presentable. We poured all our accessories, make-up kit, clothes from the luggage and whatever not. I can't even rmb how to put on make-up. We just laughed like mad, hoping that we don't look silly at the dinner - you see what kiasu singaporeans would do for a free dinner. Anyway, my trench coat wasn't even ironed and we just kept saying that its gonna be dark and no one would notice the difference. We ran all the way to skycity with heels, down the slope and up the slope again. I tripped, I laughed, I just thought we looked ridiculous. By the time we reached the hotel, I saw the Guest of Honour walking in, and we raced with him to the entrance. By the time we got to our seats, I was dead tired. But the food was good - cheese platter, cold dishes - oyster, salad etc, hot food, deserts - dark and white cream chocolate cake with caramel swirls etc etc. And our table was crazy. Initially I felt damn stress when I saw all the utensils - different types of forks, knives and spoons. And I thought.. oh no.. its is THAT formal.. I thought I'm just gonna get a free dinner. But it was alright, I laughed like mad throughout but towards the end I was just so drained. Actually, I don't know what the whole dinner is about because everything was in MALAY. I just know that I had a $85 worth of dinner today!!!!

I don't exactly know where to start, but the past few days were surreal, some how it passed too quickly and I've thought a lot.

Today as I was walking along town, it suddenly dawned on me that it wasn't about finding answers. It never was. It was just.. I don't know man. I reached the traffic lights. A very familiar feeling lingered. It felt really recent, not too long ago, I stood at the same spot and looked hard into the people who were around me and wondered, what are they living for? And I gazed at the buildings around me, the traffic, the crowd and then I asked myself, what am I doing here? And I was certain that I would never understand the meaning of being here.

But today, after a few months, I stood there again, by coincidence, and I asked the similar questions. No, I still can't answer them, but that feeling of depression was no longer there. I asked myself again, Am I happy? I think I am. I feel that I am. I can't remember the last time I've felt this way. I remembered the past years as being dull. I certainly had fun, but there was something inside me which constantly asked the meaning of everything. I saw the bad side of everything and I never thought that as being pessimistic - that was the reality, and thinking otherwise is just being purely naive. I accepted that because I felt that changing my mindset was impossible. It was a tough time, and I decided I should just live my life as it is. I had goals, ambitious ones in fact. But they are not something which I really want, because I really don't know what I want, they were temporary - to help me in getting through each day. A miracle must have happened, maybe I've let go? I don't know. But whatever it is, it is a good thing. I can't believe I could ever felt this way - I teared at that road junction. I felt damn foolish. Really.

Anyways.. I should stop with all these reflections.. maybe I am thinking too much. Its 3am right now and I wonder why am I not in bed?! I'm supposed to be going on a short backpacking trip tomorrow morning. But I guess, I was just being inefficient. We studied for 6hrs non-stop in the library today - and I didn't even feel it. Maybe this shows how badly I need to study. After which I decided I really need the criminal law textbook, which costs $144. CAN YOU BELIEVE A FREAKING SMALL TEXTBOOK CAN COST THAT MUCH!!

So I went to the warehouse and manually photocopied 786pages since that is the cheapest way. I stood there and did the exact same action for 2 freaking hours. I was so damn pissed I nearly whacked that dumbass machine. I've been studying for 6 freaking hours and I've to stand in front of a stupid machine doing a monotonous action for another 2 freaking hours?! Anyways, once I reached home, I felt like collapsing but I persevered and cooked my dinner. And once my butt touched the sofa, it sticked on it for another couple of hours before I could push myself to wash the dishes. Whats worst is that I haven even pack my bag for the trip, neither did I wrap my book, nor bath, nor start my money making scheme. Like what NCC thought us (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA) I ENDURED and I was DETERMINED to finish it up. Like what we learn in the old school days - what the mind and conceive it can achieve.. something like that right? Anyways, I put that into good use and dumbed everything into my big backpack which wasn't very big at all. Its supposed to be for my future kickass 1 month backpacking trip but its already full for a 3 day trip?!

I did a poster which I'm going to put up in the law school tomorrow. It says: PART 1 LAW STUDENTS!!! Fighting to get into Part II Law? Need some help? PERSONAL NOTES ON SALE!!! etc etc. Its done up with colour markers. I know it sounds cranky but as long as it gets $$$ rolling in, I don't care! I don't even dare put my name on the poster, I just left my cell no. which they could tear off the poster. I tore a few first so that they would get the impression that others are interested as well. What a stupid marketing technique but if they are kiasu enough, my phone would be ringing soon. As I was doing the posters I was laughing. I can't believe I'm doing this. I must be hard out for money man. Yeah, I really am. I've so many stuff I need to pay for now!

Someone knocked on my door just now. Twice. It was freaky I tell you. When you are staying alone at night, you never know what's gonna happen and if it really happens, you'll wonder when someone would know? And the likelihood of getting rescued at that point of time is nil. Yeah, thats a constant fear I face living alone. There was a recent case here where a guy posed as a policemen and entered the victim's house for 'inspection' but ended up raping her. I always fear getting sick or maybe setting fire in the house, or someone suddenly assaulting me. I mean, its kinda possible. I don't have permanent neighbours. Actually i don't even know if I have one. They are always moving in and out. Maybe I fear so much so that I was never sick in NZ. Oh, the worst thing is that the reception has access to our apartment. Reason being - 'just in case of fire'. Theres no lock in my room, and if I'm unlucky, what if one of the staff broke in?

The other day, I came home and realized the sliding doors were open and I was very sure that it was closed before I left. The clothes hanger was inside the house instead of the balcony. It definitely can't be me who moved it in because that was Carol's and I don't even use that balcony. The carpet was slightly wet. I was damn freaked out. I was a bit panic - if my mom knows, she will FLY OVER MAN! I quickly searched if my passport was still there but everything seemed to be intact. But I was still quite worried..maybe someone is hiding in the house and based on my imagination maybe when I turn my back, he will pounce on me from the back and stab me. So I just sat still on the sofa for a moment and someone knocked on the door. I jerked and asked who was it. They said they were here to clean the windows. Ok, I was relieved, but I was pissed as well. I mean, I wasn't warned and I was really freaked out. You know, I don't really know how to handle a break-in. I'm just 20, a girl, living alone. What should I do when someone appear in my house? Run to the kitchen and grab the knife and throw at him? And end up being convicted of manslaughter?

haha ok, maybe its better to just..don't think so much. It will happen if it is fated. I'll be going for a short trip tmr and I hope nothing bad would happen. Both of us are inexperience and well.. its only both of us. I wonder how would it turn out to be? I have never been there, neither has she. And, we didn't even do a detailed planning. Haha whatever. If I get back in 1 piece, I'll do a post on thursday!

dance inside

I've heaps of stuff to say but I don't know where to start. Its a Sunday morning, marking an end to my 1st week of holidays. And what have I accomplished the past week? Almost nil. I haven done the laundry for 2 weeks and no housework done either. But anyways, since when I constantly do the housework? I've a reason to that! Because Auckland is cold, things don't get dirty that easily. Haha ok you must be thinking where that logic came from. I don't know either. Everything just looks clean and how dirty can an apartment get if you are staying alone?!

Apple came down from melbourne with her mom for around 4 days. Its pretty cool, seeing her in Auckland, not in Sg. I haven seen her for ages and I think this is my first time talking so much to her.
Anyways, I'm really happy the past week, no particular reason, just realized some stuff and found some answers. I'll elaborate further some other time, when I'm done with all my work.
The not-so-happy stuff - I just received the question for my criminal law opinion. Check this out:

CRIMINAL LAW 201
COURSE ESSAY

Word limit: 1,500 words (including footnotes)
Due date: 12 noon, Thursday 17 July 2007

Ken Johnson and his partner Barbie live an hour’s drive north of Auckland. Ken is a 52 year old carpenter and Barbie is a seamstress. Ken has three children, Thomas aged 19 (who is living in Wellington), Louise aged 15 and Molly aged 9. The children’s mother died four years ago, and Barbie moved in with the family two years later. The two girls call Barbie “Mum.”
Ken and Barbie belong to an evangelistic religious movement called “The One True Faith.” The movement preaches a lifestyle based on strict religious teachings and the rejection of modern technology and medicine. Ken has a violent past, and has assaulted Barbie on several occasions in the last year.
Until recently, Louise had been a member of a youth group associated with The One True Faith. She had decided however to make new friends at school, and had started seeing a classmate Dwayne in secret, as she knew her Dad and Barbie would not approve. Seven months after she had started her relationship with Dwayne, Louise told her father that she “had something to tell him.” She proceeded to tell Ken that she was six months pregnant. Ken flew into a rage and ordered Louise to her room. Barbie tried to intervene, but Ken grabbed her by the arm and said “Put her in that room and shut the door or you’ll get it.” Scared for her own safety, Barbie complied with Ken’s demands.
For the next two months Ken and Barbie kept Louise locked in her room. They informed her school that she had moved away, and refused to take any calls from Dwayne. The only contact Louise had during the day was when Molly would bring her food or Ken or Barbie would come and pray for her. During these evening “prayer sessions” Ken and Barbie would counsel Louise about her “sinful behaviour”.
A month before she was due to give birth, Louise felt sharp pains in her abdomen. She screamed for help from Barbie, who told her that “this was God’s way of punishing her for being wicked.” Barbie asked her if she wanted to go to the hospital “so everyone there could see what a sinful dirty little girl she was.” Under pressure and in pain, Louise agreed that she did not want to go to the hospital. Louise’s screams were ignored and she endured an agonizing labour without assistance.
Louise’s baby boy, who she named Corey, died moments after his birth. The coronor’s report stated that he was severely malnourished, and that in normal circumstances a foetus of 36 weeks gestation would have a 95% chance of survival. The child did however have a congenital heart defect, which may have worsened later in life. Other medical reports establish that Louise is also severely malnourished and suffering from extreme stress and anxiety.

Assess the liability of Ken and Barbie in relation to Louise and Corey, and any defences they may have.

I think the only consoling thing is that its only 1500 words. Ok, it looks manageable but I know when I start doing it, I'll be cursing like mad. And you know what! Half the semester had already ended and I haven even bought the Crimes Act. Haha what a joke, I don't even have the Crimes Act.. what am I doing in Criminal law. My dad calls everyday saying, 'Ling arh, you must study hard you know. You must go for exchange. blah blah blah.' But I always remind him, I am taking law for fun. I don't want to push myself so hard as I did in my 1st year. Not that I don't like law, its just that, theres much more to do than studying. (What an excuse)

Although winter is round the corner, nights are getting colder but my days are getting brighter. I've this sudden adrenaline rush - I need to do more in life. Much more. At the age of 20, what have I done? Study? Everyone does that. If time permits, I will backpack Australia either the end of the year or beginning of next year. Last year's backpacking in NZ was just the beginning, a tryout to get the feel of it. Next week, I'll try out a short trip. You know, I'm excited - I bought a backpack and a sleeping bag. But of course, money and time are the limitations. Its suicidal, I know, to find a job whilst studying that 2 killer degrees, but I'll try. And I'm gonna learn piano from Van - something I always wanted and regretted giving up in the past. And I still want to do well. And I need money. I hope I can get a scholarship which may solve all the problems.

Its tough, but I guess, it makes life a bit more exciting, it makes me dance inside.

move along

There is this peculiar feeling I had today - looking back but surprisingly not with sadness. Not that my past was a sad one, just that I had always felt the heartache here when I reminisce the past - If only I can do that again, if only I needn't leave my friends back in Singapore.

But recently, the heartache subsided. Maybe because my effort in trying to appreciate things here paid off, maybe because I've realized the need to move on after seeing everyone back in Singapore getting on with their lives, maybe I've realized that I am truly lucky, maybe I've gotten used to it, maybe I've accepted how things are, maybe I've let go...

In any ways, its a good start for me. Although it sounds foolish, but now, I dare look at photos we had in Singapore without tearing. I wake up in the mornings with things to do. Not just studies, not just housework but waking up to coffee, to TV, to radio, to friends.

I now like the cafe culture, the music on radio, the food, the weather. I hope this is permanent. It took me a lot of courage to accept this place because accepting a place means letting go of another. And the 'another' is Singapore which I held and will still hold on close to heart. I won't forget about my times in Singapore, but I will move on as well.

Letting

go

of

you

and accepting you...

i site

The hols are here, finally. Time to catch up with my sleep.
Today's easter and I spent my day without thinking much. No law, no accounting, no management, just...nothing in mind and thats pretty cool. So, this post would be just as cool - a brainless one.
Everyone's telling me that they want to come over to NZ and experience the outdoors, that they want to come for exchange, that they want to stay at my place and we can do crazy stuff. But after the momentarily hype and adrenaline rush, we gradually get back to our usual life again - you in NUS/NTU, me in UoA.
So, today, I'll take over the job of i-site and promote NZ to you guys who said you all wanna come. Stop getting me excited and like what nike says, JUST DO IT!









So have I put the adrenaline rush in you? You know, we can do much more if you guys were here..

My point of view

My route to happiness

Happiness to me when I was young was simple - attention from my family and friends, getting the things I want and need, not getting scolded, getting praised

As time passes, attaining happiness became a bit more complex - I needed recognition, I needed trust, I needed freedom, I needed responsibility, I needed good results. Basically, i needed a life

Now, I no longer know what constitutes happiness and the true feeling of it. That is when I started to ponder, when in my life was I really happy? And what made me happy?

I know, I may sound very pessimistic, but I guess pessimism and paranoia goes hand in hand but reflections aren't a part of it, even if it has a 'sad' aspect to it.
Happiness now a days are fleeting and short-lived. Its harder to attain and yet, transient. Laughing doesn't mean you are happy, smiling doesn't too - all these actions are just a form of courtesy towards the people around you because pulling a long face just isn't the right thing to do. I asked myself countless times, why am I not happy? And what exactly IS being happy?

I thought of several reasons - I do not appreciate what I have. My expectations are too high. I am too pessimistic. I'm just being a dumbass.
But during my quest of finding an answer, I realised that I am not the only one. In fact, people around me are facing similar situations - they are unhappy without a reason.

Up till now, I still can't find a definite answer to that. Are we really unappreciative so much so that we are taking things for granted? I'm not sure. All I am definite is that, we gotta do whatever it takes to make ourselves happy. Although I can't tell you what it feels like to be happy or what you need to do to be happy, I can, however, share some thoughts about it.

In my point of view, Happiness, is the ultimate goal we all aim to achieve. (I do not consider anything being constant, absolute, ultimate, supreme except happiness)
I think whatever we are doing or we plan to do is for achieving this ideal in the long run. Maybe some things you do would result in unhappiness, soreness, sadness, but that is just within a short period of time, you do it subconsciously in hope that you can gain more in future and hence be happy. Thats something like the cost-benefit principle where you perceive your future benefits outweighing your current costs.

I admire those who are able to achieve happiness. I think people who can be happy are due to 2 reasons, either they are just purely happy for who they are or they know what to do to make themselves happy. I think most of us fall into the 2nd category.
I don't like the way my mom criticize some people's actions sometimes. Because, as long as you are happy, anything you do to achieve that is justified, since that is your ultimate goal. Some may look down on a rubbish collector but what if he is truly happy with his job? If offered a CEO position, how can you guarantee that he would be happy? A CEO position, prima facie, is better but if you look deeper, your ultimate goal is being happy and if you need to be a rubbish collector instead of a CEO to ahieve it, so be it.

It is just that there is an invisible force in society which pushes one to think that being at the top of the social hierarchy would result in happiness. There are many reasons to justify that - money, power etc but it is based on an assumption that these are the factors which would constitute happiness. But not all assumptions are applicable to everyone. It may to the majority, but what if you are in the minority group? That is no fault of yours. So, don't rely on social standards because they may be wrong. Know yourself, know what you want, know your purpose instead of knowing what the society wants. With that, you can reach your ultimate goal - happiness. And in my point of view, once you've attained that, whether you are a rubbish collector, a lawyer, a doctor, a hawker, a student, a designer, a cleaner, a waitress, you are successful.

Have what I've written make sense? Or maybe its another naive point of view. Like what my mom always say, 'Huiling, grow up. Stop being naive.'

I think I finally understand the need for blogging, and the love and obsession for it. Blogging was to me, a superficial act and the need for attention, but gradually, its becoming a solace to me.

I didn't like blogging about my daily life, because I thought it wasn't constructive and it is just a waste of my time as well as the readers'. Why would there be a need to know about every single detail in my life? Isn't it boring? But I guess, its the daily life you lead which requires reflection.

In anyways, my constant reflections I do everyday are becoming what you term as 'think too much'. yeah, I know, I'm really 'thinking too much'. So much so that at the end of the day, I'll question, 'What are we living for?' and the night ends of with a question mark, not the preferred full-stop.


I think taking law is making me a bit...separated from the real world. Sounds weird, but I some how feel this way. Every case is broken down into parts and analyzed. Every word used, every action made, every second counts. Its becoming so technical that in the process of reading a murder case, you wouldn't be thinking like how an objective person would: oh man, that's a horrible death. The killer should go to hell. Instead, you would be flipping through the Crimes Act and finding what constitutes murder, if the defendant has any defence, maybe he did not fulfill all the elements of murder, maybe its just manslaughter, and whether he has actus rea and mens rea, whether there was an omission, and whatever nots. Now I understand why lawyers are highly paid, its as if they are paid to step into a shithole and realize what the REAL world is like and for me, it is a feeling of being an outcast. Hahaha ok, am I dragging this too far? Lawyers are seen to be the 'untouchable, high-up-there' kinda people and although I am in law, I am definitely still intimidated by the other students.

Today was real tiring. I made some last minute amendments to my Mgmt essay through out the night after some proof reading from the rest and slept at 6am. I even managed to catch a glimpse of sun rise. It was pretty nice, I actually love the place I'm staying, its the corner apartment with full glass windows around the whole unit facing the harbour and a mountain. Anyway, I caught a couple of hrs nap and rushed down to the uni to hand in that assignment. After which, I took another short nap and rushed down to the law school to do some legal research. I was so drained and tired, so much so that I can't sleep now. I guess I'm over the limit, so this entry would be a long one.

I think I've wrote about this topic in my previous blog before, but I think I'll re-write it just to remind me in future. oh, i think i should separate it to another post, else it would be too long!