Can you lay your life down, so a stranger can live?
Can you take what you need, but take less than you give?
Could you close every day, without the glory and fame?
Could you hold your head high, when no-one knows your name?
We say goodbye, but never let go.
I want to be a good person because my conscious tells me to. But everything around me says the otherwise.
Do you know? I love heroes. Stories with heroes in them - In Spiderman, theres Peter Parker, in Batman, theres Bruce Wayne, in Superman, theres Clark Joseph Kent, in DareDevil, theres Matt Murdock, in Prison Break, theres Michael Scofield..
Heroes, they will be there to save the day. They will be the ones who would be relied on. They will prevent anything bad from happening. They are the one. Its nice isn't it? To have the feeling of certainty and security. But these stories are fictional, there is no such thing as certainty in reality, not in your life, not in your relationships, not in your work, not in your education, not even in the so-called sovereign parliament. So once awhile, its really nice to indulge in your own day-dreams - a utopian world, with superheroes flying around to keep everyone safe and sound, to make everything right and even if u're in a shithole, u'll soon be fine.
Days pass so quickly here. Its the weekends again but its gonna be over soon, we supposed to go for the tongariro crossing trip this weekend but it was postponed due to bad weather. I was secretly glad because I knew I would totally screw the next week if I don't get anything done this weekend. But the thing is, even though I'm in auckland this weekend, things never get done.
Friday - I was determined to study, but awhile later when I realised my prison break disc could be viewed on the tele instead of the laptop, we suggested overnight drama marathon. Today - obviously I woke up late. I was determined to go to the library, but couldn't bear not to watch what happened next in prison break, i watched 2 more episodes. After which I realised I've to rush to sky tower to collect the brochures for the trip to rotorua. Effectively, I was left with 40min to do more work in the library before I met up with the rest for a drink. The supposed discussion for the trip to rotorua during mid-sem break digressed into other topics. Nothing much resulted from the discussion except that I am going down to Christchurch during intersem break - I got conned by Vanessa.
I'm actually really worried for my studies. I've hardly time to study. For criminal law, its so frustrating at the way i'm reading wrong cases on the wrong days. Actus reas, mens reas, omission, involuntariness, causation, burden of prove, and all those latin terms - I can't remember any of them. Public law - we spent a week or 2 talking about entrenchment, and I realised, I've not a single clue on what's it about. R v Pora and R v Pomouku are pissing me off. Do you know how many dumbass statutes and cases were cited? s80 Crimes Justice Act 1980m s2(4) Criminal Justice Amendment Bill, s4 Ciminal Justice Act, New Zealand Bill of Rights 1990, Interpretation Act 1999, Universal Declaration of Human Rights, International Convenant on Civil Rights and Political Rihgts, etc etc.. and in the end, appeal quashed. When I finally got to that sentence, I looked at Carol and asked, 'Er.. I forgot what was the appellant appealing for.'
maybe I should qualify my statements, its not that its not interesting, its just that its tedious. VERY tedious and it requires determination to finish reading a case, especially boring ones.
Actually, i think this mid-sem break and inter-sem break would be kinda fun. Apple's coming from melbourne in the beginning of the break, 2nd week through the break we'll be going down to rotorua.. grade 5 white water rafting! and trekking round the geothermal national park. Honestly, I don't know if its exactly safe, cause only 2 of us are going down without a car in a place we've never been before. But I guess, nothing much would happen right..yeah. it would be safe. On the last weekend of the break, think we would be volunteering for the carnival and going up Van's place in the shore to stay over. Heard its next to the beach, and most importantly, she has dogs! After the break, there would be tongariro crossing, which I'm looking forward to as well, its round 4 hrs drive from auckland, and its gonna be challenging, since weather's getting cold by then, and I heard its pretty tough. And the exams period would start. During inter-sem break, Jen is coming up from dunedin as well, this time, I would really wanna go up north, to coromendal. After that week, UMSA's going down to christchurch, kinda interested, but i think i'll see how it goes.
Honestly, I'm really worried for my studies. really. i feel the stress sinking in. damn.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Saturday, March 24, 2007
you won't know
I feel, I ponder, I hope, I wish, I listen, I see, I read
But I can't understand. We can never understand, right?
Its not about understanding, its about accepting.
Quoted from Prison Break:
Scared? I think you are scared. You wouldn't be a human if you weren't scared in a place like this.
He replied, "When I was young, I couldn't sleep at night. Because I thought there was a monster in the closet. But my brother told me there was nothing in the closet but fear. And he said it wasn't made of anything but air. He said you just have to face it, you just have to open that door and the monster would disappear. And here though, you face your fear. You open that door, but there are hundred more doors behind it. And the monsters hiding behind them are all real."
Yeah, they are all real. The readings I did yesterday were just, disturbing. They were about manslaughter and abuse and the next few weeks are all bout homicides, murders, sexual assaults, abuses and the likes. Yeah, the Act is disturbing, but the Law just makes me, uneasy. I'm perturbed in certain verdicts and explanations leading to it. I mean, theres no such thing as fair treatment, theres no such thing as justice. Maybe I'm watching too many dramas about crimes for my own good. I finished the hongkong CSI-alike drama, I'm watching prison break now, and reading about criminal law every single day. Please don't make my world any darker, I need someone to shed some light on to it.
how to save a life
Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you
As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came
But I can't understand. We can never understand, right?
Its not about understanding, its about accepting.
Quoted from Prison Break:
Scared? I think you are scared. You wouldn't be a human if you weren't scared in a place like this.
He replied, "When I was young, I couldn't sleep at night. Because I thought there was a monster in the closet. But my brother told me there was nothing in the closet but fear. And he said it wasn't made of anything but air. He said you just have to face it, you just have to open that door and the monster would disappear. And here though, you face your fear. You open that door, but there are hundred more doors behind it. And the monsters hiding behind them are all real."
Yeah, they are all real. The readings I did yesterday were just, disturbing. They were about manslaughter and abuse and the next few weeks are all bout homicides, murders, sexual assaults, abuses and the likes. Yeah, the Act is disturbing, but the Law just makes me, uneasy. I'm perturbed in certain verdicts and explanations leading to it. I mean, theres no such thing as fair treatment, theres no such thing as justice. Maybe I'm watching too many dramas about crimes for my own good. I finished the hongkong CSI-alike drama, I'm watching prison break now, and reading about criminal law every single day. Please don't make my world any darker, I need someone to shed some light on to it.
how to save a life
Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you
As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came
Sunday, March 18, 2007
huiling, u're a smart ass
probably one of the toughest major in business - Accounting
probably one of the toughest degree - Law
and huiling, cheers man!!! YOU ARE DOING BOTH!!
screw you for that choice.
i must be hard out at the point of time this decision was made.
its the 19th today, its been close to a month since i was here, its amazing how time flies.. a month?! I've hardly touched my books, or rather, i haven even got all my text books. the past month was just play.
There were quite a number of events on, and trying to be a bit more active, we joined a couple of them to make life easier i guess. We did tramping yesterday, i must say it was a bit badly planned or rather, Singapore is a bit too efficient, we expect everything to be plan and we execute it. But things don't go that way here, i must remember that they are slow here. so slow. but thats not inefficient to them, its probably 'relaxing' and 'taking things easy'. i thought we spent half the time waiting but they probably thought half the time was for interacting. so our definition of 'lagging' would be equivalent to their nicer terms of 'chilling out' and 'relaxing'.
just take a seat, look around, breathe in the fresh air and sigh, how beautiful the world is!! ok. i get it. i'll bear that in mind.
don't i just sound cynical. yeah, i guess so, but wait. i'm trying to immerse in the kiwi culture alright. So next time when i'm back in Singapore, if i'm late, its meant for you to appreciate the things around you - look at the beauuutiiifulll surroundings. If i'm lagging, its meant for us to chill out - whats the hurry?
we're going for the tongariro crossing the week after next. I'd been wanting to do that since last year. I heard heaps bout that, i think its 1 of the spots which LOTR was filmed and ranked the top place for trekking. Its at Taupo, around 3-4hrs drive from auckland? I think its a 3days trip over the weekend. There goes my weekend. I reckon i would die half way through..we probably have to complete 17km in a day, doesn't sound a lot, but i think the weather would kill me and of course, maybe 5km through i'll be lying on the grass alr. maybe i should start doing something about it.
Ok, Carol made me so excited during friday's lecture when she text me asking me to go australia during the mid semester break. From Auckland to Sydney to Brisbane to Adelaide and back to Auckland for around 2 weeks. But the air tickets were so expensive and I had several tests after the break. I could if I begged my mom just a bit more, but I reckon i shouldn't..I can foresee myself failing Public law. man,i tell you that paper sucks the hell out of you.
And Apple said she's coming down to Auckland as well, and then Rachel said maybe we should go for a road trip and then Naomi said we should go for a trip somewhere during intersem break and then esther said she may be coming during summer break and then elaine said she may come for an exchange and then meiping said she would come for my graduation and then everyone seems as though they are coming or going somewhere. But i wonder which would really materialize.
what the hell did i just typed?! haha ok this is a disgusting post with trivial stuff running through my mind. just because i dont wanna do anymore accounting, i dont wanna read about stupid constitutional law or how entrenchment works or what happened to the south african elections. i tell you, public law kills me and i'm gonna kill it as well. oh, i realise that what i said doesn't make any sense at all.
probably one of the toughest degree - Law
and huiling, cheers man!!! YOU ARE DOING BOTH!!
screw you for that choice.
i must be hard out at the point of time this decision was made.
its the 19th today, its been close to a month since i was here, its amazing how time flies.. a month?! I've hardly touched my books, or rather, i haven even got all my text books. the past month was just play.
There were quite a number of events on, and trying to be a bit more active, we joined a couple of them to make life easier i guess. We did tramping yesterday, i must say it was a bit badly planned or rather, Singapore is a bit too efficient, we expect everything to be plan and we execute it. But things don't go that way here, i must remember that they are slow here. so slow. but thats not inefficient to them, its probably 'relaxing' and 'taking things easy'. i thought we spent half the time waiting but they probably thought half the time was for interacting. so our definition of 'lagging' would be equivalent to their nicer terms of 'chilling out' and 'relaxing'.
just take a seat, look around, breathe in the fresh air and sigh, how beautiful the world is!! ok. i get it. i'll bear that in mind.
don't i just sound cynical. yeah, i guess so, but wait. i'm trying to immerse in the kiwi culture alright. So next time when i'm back in Singapore, if i'm late, its meant for you to appreciate the things around you - look at the beauuutiiifulll surroundings. If i'm lagging, its meant for us to chill out - whats the hurry?
we're going for the tongariro crossing the week after next. I'd been wanting to do that since last year. I heard heaps bout that, i think its 1 of the spots which LOTR was filmed and ranked the top place for trekking. Its at Taupo, around 3-4hrs drive from auckland? I think its a 3days trip over the weekend. There goes my weekend. I reckon i would die half way through..we probably have to complete 17km in a day, doesn't sound a lot, but i think the weather would kill me and of course, maybe 5km through i'll be lying on the grass alr. maybe i should start doing something about it.
Ok, Carol made me so excited during friday's lecture when she text me asking me to go australia during the mid semester break. From Auckland to Sydney to Brisbane to Adelaide and back to Auckland for around 2 weeks. But the air tickets were so expensive and I had several tests after the break. I could if I begged my mom just a bit more, but I reckon i shouldn't..I can foresee myself failing Public law. man,i tell you that paper sucks the hell out of you.
And Apple said she's coming down to Auckland as well, and then Rachel said maybe we should go for a road trip and then Naomi said we should go for a trip somewhere during intersem break and then esther said she may be coming during summer break and then elaine said she may come for an exchange and then meiping said she would come for my graduation and then everyone seems as though they are coming or going somewhere. But i wonder which would really materialize.
what the hell did i just typed?! haha ok this is a disgusting post with trivial stuff running through my mind. just because i dont wanna do anymore accounting, i dont wanna read about stupid constitutional law or how entrenchment works or what happened to the south african elections. i tell you, public law kills me and i'm gonna kill it as well. oh, i realise that what i said doesn't make any sense at all.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
what is your worst shit?
And you thought this is e worst shit you've been through.
BEHOLD.. there's more to come.
"This is the worst day I ever had","This is the best day in my life", "This is the most fucked up situation I've ever experienced"
Doesn't this just sounds familiar? But wait, doesn't 'best' or 'worst' applies just to ONE situation? But why do we just keep hearing that over and over again? Its as if there ain't no ONE situation which is BEST or WORST. In fact, its as though ALL situations are BEST and WORST.
but why?
I would think this situation stems out from the fact that we are never contented. Alright, i know there's hardly a link between both, but maybe its just my logic. We always think that a better horizon lies out there, that 'when i'm out of this shit situation, everything would be fine because this is the WORST shit, nothing can get worst.' But what makes you so sure? As the overused saying goes, but no doubt fully justified, 'the grass is greener on the other side'.
I thought I was in e most SCREWED UP situation in Pri 2 - i was totally freaked out of my math teacher and i would do ANYTHING to get out of her lessons
I thought I was in e most SHITTIFIED situation in Pri 5 - EM1 was purely stressful
I thought I was in the most MESSED UP situation in Sec Schl - I wasn't doing well in school and stress keeps mounting up with heaps of NCC stuff to worry bout
I thought I was in the most SUCKY situation in JC - I hated the school, failed throughout, depressed
I thought I was in the most FUCKED UP situation in NZ - Independence and homesickness can kill as well
And now, pri2, pri 5, sec schl, JC were nothing near 'worst'. It was in the past, but not now. I wouldn't think that there would be a 'worst' situation but there would always be.
Henceforth, I would think that 'worst situations' only exist in your current state. After moving on to the next phase of your life, its no longer that bad. If we carry on having these kinda perspective, tell me honestly, which part of your life has ever been good? Now i think i'm in worst shit, but a few years later i'll be thinking: oh you lucky ass, you just need to study. Working is the WORST SHIT of the WORST SHIT man.
so you see, it all boils down to the simple, repeated, unoriginal, overused, basic, common advice - treasure your time NOW. because there's even WORST situations coming up and your current situation is just... bullshit.
yes, i can say all these, i can understand these, but i can't practice what i preach. But i would soon. So Huiling and other's who bother to read, or maybe those who sees eye to eye with me, come on man, sounds like its bullshit, but at least try harder to appreciate, maybe it would be easier for us to live the lie.
BEHOLD.. there's more to come.
"This is the worst day I ever had","This is the best day in my life", "This is the most fucked up situation I've ever experienced"
Doesn't this just sounds familiar? But wait, doesn't 'best' or 'worst' applies just to ONE situation? But why do we just keep hearing that over and over again? Its as if there ain't no ONE situation which is BEST or WORST. In fact, its as though ALL situations are BEST and WORST.
but why?
I would think this situation stems out from the fact that we are never contented. Alright, i know there's hardly a link between both, but maybe its just my logic. We always think that a better horizon lies out there, that 'when i'm out of this shit situation, everything would be fine because this is the WORST shit, nothing can get worst.' But what makes you so sure? As the overused saying goes, but no doubt fully justified, 'the grass is greener on the other side'.
I thought I was in e most SCREWED UP situation in Pri 2 - i was totally freaked out of my math teacher and i would do ANYTHING to get out of her lessons
I thought I was in e most SHITTIFIED situation in Pri 5 - EM1 was purely stressful
I thought I was in the most MESSED UP situation in Sec Schl - I wasn't doing well in school and stress keeps mounting up with heaps of NCC stuff to worry bout
I thought I was in the most SUCKY situation in JC - I hated the school, failed throughout, depressed
I thought I was in the most FUCKED UP situation in NZ - Independence and homesickness can kill as well
And now, pri2, pri 5, sec schl, JC were nothing near 'worst'. It was in the past, but not now. I wouldn't think that there would be a 'worst' situation but there would always be.
Henceforth, I would think that 'worst situations' only exist in your current state. After moving on to the next phase of your life, its no longer that bad. If we carry on having these kinda perspective, tell me honestly, which part of your life has ever been good? Now i think i'm in worst shit, but a few years later i'll be thinking: oh you lucky ass, you just need to study. Working is the WORST SHIT of the WORST SHIT man.
so you see, it all boils down to the simple, repeated, unoriginal, overused, basic, common advice - treasure your time NOW. because there's even WORST situations coming up and your current situation is just... bullshit.
yes, i can say all these, i can understand these, but i can't practice what i preach. But i would soon. So Huiling and other's who bother to read, or maybe those who sees eye to eye with me, come on man, sounds like its bullshit, but at least try harder to appreciate, maybe it would be easier for us to live the lie.
Monday, March 12, 2007
volenti non fit injuria
the passion that is in you is what you truly love and would be willing to sacrifice anything for it.
you chose it, you gave your consent, even if you're hurt through it, its volenti non fit injuria
maybe you think that getting good grades would make you happy, or maybe having heaps of money would make you happy, or maybe a cool pair of shoes would make you happy, or maybe touring would make you happy, or maybe getting a girl/boyfriend would make you happy, or maybe touring around would make you happy.
but thats just what you think. how would you know for sure?
sidetracks. they are just sidetracks of your state of mind. they are external factors which you think could make you happy. but how can anything or anyone make you happy if you yourself don't even know what could make you happy? love yourself and be happy for yourself, not for anyone. you need to know your purpose and passion. its not up to you to choose what it is, because it is in you. it is a part of you - you need to understand and know yourself before knowing it.
i hope i can soon.
but hope to me is a killer. it just brings me down. in any case, i'll move on and pray that no one judges me on my actions and thoughts based on their observations because you will never see the way i do in a different place. because you know everyone comes from a different background, different culture, different mindsets and i really dont believe in universalism.
in anyways, i'm not trying to be negative, but i'm just tryin to put across the fact that you have no rights to judge others. others aint just me, but as a whole.
oh yeah shawn, just in case you said tt i din mention your name, here you are. THANK YOU SHAWN. big enough? haha alrights. really, thank you la.
you chose it, you gave your consent, even if you're hurt through it, its volenti non fit injuria
maybe you think that getting good grades would make you happy, or maybe having heaps of money would make you happy, or maybe a cool pair of shoes would make you happy, or maybe touring would make you happy, or maybe getting a girl/boyfriend would make you happy, or maybe touring around would make you happy.
but thats just what you think. how would you know for sure?
sidetracks. they are just sidetracks of your state of mind. they are external factors which you think could make you happy. but how can anything or anyone make you happy if you yourself don't even know what could make you happy? love yourself and be happy for yourself, not for anyone. you need to know your purpose and passion. its not up to you to choose what it is, because it is in you. it is a part of you - you need to understand and know yourself before knowing it.
i hope i can soon.
but hope to me is a killer. it just brings me down. in any case, i'll move on and pray that no one judges me on my actions and thoughts based on their observations because you will never see the way i do in a different place. because you know everyone comes from a different background, different culture, different mindsets and i really dont believe in universalism.
in anyways, i'm not trying to be negative, but i'm just tryin to put across the fact that you have no rights to judge others. others aint just me, but as a whole.
oh yeah shawn, just in case you said tt i din mention your name, here you are. THANK YOU SHAWN. big enough? haha alrights. really, thank you la.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
i had this thought the past few weeks, which may be a ridiculous and absurd move to most but what i really wish. i'm not prepared to confidently say i would go for it because i dread the consequences and honestly, i think its gonna be unacceptable to many including myself - it would only make me think that i suck. I don't think anyone would understand my urge for that.
yesterday, we went for ocf's gathering. There were singaporeans and they were nice. But i realised we were from very different backgrounds and very different mindsets. Singaporeans don't have a real identity i guess, that 'identity' i thought we had was not a singaporean one but rather, an identity belonged to the people i mix with.
today we went for the fireworks display and an outdoor performance. The past few weekends here were packed and we returned home rather late at night, which is rather unusual, in view that i'm in auckland not singapore. I think most would think i'm alright now, that things are settling down, and i've activities going on etc. But as days pass and things kinda settled down, u'll realise if the place really suits you or otherwise. how frustrated i am with myself and how badly i want someone to understand.. i really do.. i really hope i can say some stuff freely without worrying to be judged at. maybe thats why i had no choice but to get this blog going. but not many knows bout this anyway, its more like me talking to myself. at least i'm typing now, not struggling inside.
rayvin kept saying that i'm stoning. i'm not actually, i'm just thinking what to do. how to do it. telling myself i can do it but i know that i'm just lying to myself. telling myself a lot of stuff trying to keep that faith going, but thats just not possible alone. i called my dad just now, i tried saying a little bout how helpless i feel but i guess, we can never eye to eye because to him, we are pure lucky to be able to study here and he went on bout how unfortunate other's are and that i dont appreciate what i have now. i really dont wanna hear that at this point of time, it just makes myself hate myself even more. theres so many struggles occupying my whole head now and my vision is totally blurred by the thoughts. i cant lead a day with ease, and i have to constantly encourage myself and push myself in the day to move on. in short, i'm just lost. and what can i say to my dear friends? that i want to give up? no.
just...shoot me.
yesterday, we went for ocf's gathering. There were singaporeans and they were nice. But i realised we were from very different backgrounds and very different mindsets. Singaporeans don't have a real identity i guess, that 'identity' i thought we had was not a singaporean one but rather, an identity belonged to the people i mix with.
today we went for the fireworks display and an outdoor performance. The past few weekends here were packed and we returned home rather late at night, which is rather unusual, in view that i'm in auckland not singapore. I think most would think i'm alright now, that things are settling down, and i've activities going on etc. But as days pass and things kinda settled down, u'll realise if the place really suits you or otherwise. how frustrated i am with myself and how badly i want someone to understand.. i really do.. i really hope i can say some stuff freely without worrying to be judged at. maybe thats why i had no choice but to get this blog going. but not many knows bout this anyway, its more like me talking to myself. at least i'm typing now, not struggling inside.
rayvin kept saying that i'm stoning. i'm not actually, i'm just thinking what to do. how to do it. telling myself i can do it but i know that i'm just lying to myself. telling myself a lot of stuff trying to keep that faith going, but thats just not possible alone. i called my dad just now, i tried saying a little bout how helpless i feel but i guess, we can never eye to eye because to him, we are pure lucky to be able to study here and he went on bout how unfortunate other's are and that i dont appreciate what i have now. i really dont wanna hear that at this point of time, it just makes myself hate myself even more. theres so many struggles occupying my whole head now and my vision is totally blurred by the thoughts. i cant lead a day with ease, and i have to constantly encourage myself and push myself in the day to move on. in short, i'm just lost. and what can i say to my dear friends? that i want to give up? no.
just...shoot me.
Friday, March 9, 2007
Ode to you
I am huiling, aged 20 this year.
I am a Singaporean but a New Zealand PR, currently studying Law and Commerce in Auckland University.
I had several blogs before but none managed to survive due to my love-hate relationships with them.
but the question is why this blog at this time? I would say because, it may be a solution or rather a distraction to my current situation.
'Ode to you' is the title of this blog. To who? well, to all my friends. yes, i know, another typical blog to applaud friendships. yes, maybe, but this comes deep down my heart. thank you is an understatement because these 2 words can't express even a tenth of my gratitude.
Friends.. i can never really decipher what that means to me. I hate them yet I love them. They are the basis of all my problems yet the only solution as well. Throughout 20 years of existence in this world, friends make a part of me and influenced me deeply. Its not as though i've heaps of friends. That what blogs make me think bout bloggers, as if they've never ending line of friends queuing up for their attention and that their life is so happening with all their friends lovin' them as well as them lovin' their friends. I've not much comments about that, its either thats true or thats false, just a way to make them feel better? But thats just a sidetrack, the main thing is, I am no longer ashamed to say that yes, i don't have that many friends, but what i am proud to say is that the friends i have are those who would walk with me through my entire life.
cheesy? maybe. but i cant imagine my days over here without their support. up till now i'm still lethargic and feelin like shit but you all talked to me through msn, it maybe rubbish talk, nonconstructive stuff and bullshitting but the underlining importance of the conversations is that you make me feel that i'm not losing you all and that singapore is still always waiting for me.
Cedar
i think i've never really appreciated friends before coming over. In Cedar friends to me were bout fun. As long as I can have fun with them, they are my good friends. As long we did many stuff together, we are good friends. The days were carefree, some hiccups along the way, stressful days and everything, but nothing major to test the strength of friendships. We were close, had enjoyable times but soon break off as we moved towards a more promising future.
AJC
one of my greatest regret up till now. My regret was that i did not appreciate my friends as much as i should have. i hated AJ, so much so that i hated everything in it. every single thing. but ironically its the place i got the most out of it. friends for life. just a few, but honestly, how many do you need? maybe more makes you look better, makes you feel better - thats no doubt bout it. yeah, and i agree to that. its great fun having so many pple around, but soon again everyone moves on to another phrase of life. isn't it tiring.. that cycle of come and go. Once in awhile, a gathering pops up and everyone gathers together and laugh bout the past and reminisce bout how fun the days were etc. but an hour later everyone moves on again, and i would be left thinking: so what exactly are friends? i got a deeper understanding of that recently but before that, let me go on to the next phrase..
Otago University
a huge change for me without much mental preparation. I would think it was a natural course of my life since that was what i've always wanted but i guess i was wrong. Otago University, grew up heaps in there just within a couple of months. People there were nice, friends were ok, just that i didn't get to find friends who were similar to those found in JC.i honestly can't say i've enjoyed the place at all, in fact it gives me nightmares. Thrown into the deep end of earth with whites and mountains and ocean and students and the crazy weather and the need for independence and lousy food - that is scary alright. It was. I struggled heaps but daren't voice out as i was trying to brainwash myself. I went through it, did well in the exams but i knew that was it. I cant continue in that place for another 5 years. I packed up and moved up North - Auckland.
Auckland University
And i thought i was out of hell. then again, i was wrong. That never dying optimism in me during the 1st year was..hmm.. amazing i guess. I would NEVER ever go through that again. I've reached my threshold and i can't tolerate anymore of that extreme loneliness and fear. I came in late, knew no one, had to compete with crazy smart asses for a place in law school and that sucks. I came home everyday to an empty apartment and promised myself I would make more friends the next day, but the nature of how uni works doesn't get me anywhere - I was left desperate. I started counting down the days back to Singapore. And with me throughout the dark days were friends from Singapore. It was a good filter though. During that period of time, all my friends were filtered naturally, the friends-for-life and the friends-for-fun ones.
Backpacking
the 3 weeks backpacking trip made NZ sound less bad. No, maybe NZ aint bad, its just that i couldnt let go of Singapore. it was good fun, but temporary. Backpacking sounds cool, and it was cool driving round the whole NZ doing crazy stuff you cant do in singapore with a group of 4, 3 girls and 1 guy. but the urge of getting my ass back in singapore was growing so intense i went to e airport a week earlier to try to hop on a plane if there were enough seats
Singapore again and Fullerton
of course, going back was crazily happy and exciting for me. I loved Singapore even more, I loved my friends even more, and i didn't want to come back EVEN more. I had good fun, working especially. It tired me out but it was just as nice. Fullerton was.. well, my first job so its kinda significant for me. My job was nothing extremely exciting nor nothing really out of e world happened to me, but i guess i loved that place because it is so..Singapore. Everyday when i'm walking in the staff areas i'll be thinkin: you better treasure this time else you'll miss it back in Auckland. i've learnt a lot, had fun, appreciate more as well. Odac met up quite often too, playing badminton, couple of outings and stuff. Simple outings just feel nice. Of course there are individual friends as well, everything was simple and fun although there are times which are frustrating and as time passes, the day to get back to where i belong drew near. the last 2 weeks in singapore was depressing, i tried so hard to make full use of it, to be happy and everything, but can someone tell me how's that possible.
Singapore back to Auckland
i cried perpetually where ever i am. its just uncontrollable and heart breaking. Up till now, my 17th day, i still cant get over it. I dont want to go back to a place with friends which are to me only acquaintances leaving a whole lot of fun behind. But yanlin told me and i must remember that. Friends in Singapore are special, dont expect yourself to find those in Auckland. Yes, they are special. If i can find those anywhere and everywhere, why are they special?
Now, my heart still aches frequently here, thinking at the back of my mind that if only i was in singapore. This semester started off better, since i've a flatmate and i joined quite a lot of activities thus far, with a few looking out for me. But the fear in me still overrides my optimism. If not for you, my friends in Singapore, I wouldn't be here and I thank you for that. This blog is for you and me. My thanks to you and your support for me. It gets me far and it gets me moving. Though its painful, though i cant say i would be successful, but i am sure i would be wasted if u weren't there. And this is for you. An ode to you.
weiqi and meiping, thank you.
I am a Singaporean but a New Zealand PR, currently studying Law and Commerce in Auckland University.
I had several blogs before but none managed to survive due to my love-hate relationships with them.
but the question is why this blog at this time? I would say because, it may be a solution or rather a distraction to my current situation.
'Ode to you' is the title of this blog. To who? well, to all my friends. yes, i know, another typical blog to applaud friendships. yes, maybe, but this comes deep down my heart. thank you is an understatement because these 2 words can't express even a tenth of my gratitude.
Friends.. i can never really decipher what that means to me. I hate them yet I love them. They are the basis of all my problems yet the only solution as well. Throughout 20 years of existence in this world, friends make a part of me and influenced me deeply. Its not as though i've heaps of friends. That what blogs make me think bout bloggers, as if they've never ending line of friends queuing up for their attention and that their life is so happening with all their friends lovin' them as well as them lovin' their friends. I've not much comments about that, its either thats true or thats false, just a way to make them feel better? But thats just a sidetrack, the main thing is, I am no longer ashamed to say that yes, i don't have that many friends, but what i am proud to say is that the friends i have are those who would walk with me through my entire life.
cheesy? maybe. but i cant imagine my days over here without their support. up till now i'm still lethargic and feelin like shit but you all talked to me through msn, it maybe rubbish talk, nonconstructive stuff and bullshitting but the underlining importance of the conversations is that you make me feel that i'm not losing you all and that singapore is still always waiting for me.
Cedar
i think i've never really appreciated friends before coming over. In Cedar friends to me were bout fun. As long as I can have fun with them, they are my good friends. As long we did many stuff together, we are good friends. The days were carefree, some hiccups along the way, stressful days and everything, but nothing major to test the strength of friendships. We were close, had enjoyable times but soon break off as we moved towards a more promising future.
AJC
one of my greatest regret up till now. My regret was that i did not appreciate my friends as much as i should have. i hated AJ, so much so that i hated everything in it. every single thing. but ironically its the place i got the most out of it. friends for life. just a few, but honestly, how many do you need? maybe more makes you look better, makes you feel better - thats no doubt bout it. yeah, and i agree to that. its great fun having so many pple around, but soon again everyone moves on to another phrase of life. isn't it tiring.. that cycle of come and go. Once in awhile, a gathering pops up and everyone gathers together and laugh bout the past and reminisce bout how fun the days were etc. but an hour later everyone moves on again, and i would be left thinking: so what exactly are friends? i got a deeper understanding of that recently but before that, let me go on to the next phrase..
Otago University
a huge change for me without much mental preparation. I would think it was a natural course of my life since that was what i've always wanted but i guess i was wrong. Otago University, grew up heaps in there just within a couple of months. People there were nice, friends were ok, just that i didn't get to find friends who were similar to those found in JC.i honestly can't say i've enjoyed the place at all, in fact it gives me nightmares. Thrown into the deep end of earth with whites and mountains and ocean and students and the crazy weather and the need for independence and lousy food - that is scary alright. It was. I struggled heaps but daren't voice out as i was trying to brainwash myself. I went through it, did well in the exams but i knew that was it. I cant continue in that place for another 5 years. I packed up and moved up North - Auckland.
Auckland University
And i thought i was out of hell. then again, i was wrong. That never dying optimism in me during the 1st year was..hmm.. amazing i guess. I would NEVER ever go through that again. I've reached my threshold and i can't tolerate anymore of that extreme loneliness and fear. I came in late, knew no one, had to compete with crazy smart asses for a place in law school and that sucks. I came home everyday to an empty apartment and promised myself I would make more friends the next day, but the nature of how uni works doesn't get me anywhere - I was left desperate. I started counting down the days back to Singapore. And with me throughout the dark days were friends from Singapore. It was a good filter though. During that period of time, all my friends were filtered naturally, the friends-for-life and the friends-for-fun ones.
Backpacking
the 3 weeks backpacking trip made NZ sound less bad. No, maybe NZ aint bad, its just that i couldnt let go of Singapore. it was good fun, but temporary. Backpacking sounds cool, and it was cool driving round the whole NZ doing crazy stuff you cant do in singapore with a group of 4, 3 girls and 1 guy. but the urge of getting my ass back in singapore was growing so intense i went to e airport a week earlier to try to hop on a plane if there were enough seats
Singapore again and Fullerton
of course, going back was crazily happy and exciting for me. I loved Singapore even more, I loved my friends even more, and i didn't want to come back EVEN more. I had good fun, working especially. It tired me out but it was just as nice. Fullerton was.. well, my first job so its kinda significant for me. My job was nothing extremely exciting nor nothing really out of e world happened to me, but i guess i loved that place because it is so..Singapore. Everyday when i'm walking in the staff areas i'll be thinkin: you better treasure this time else you'll miss it back in Auckland. i've learnt a lot, had fun, appreciate more as well. Odac met up quite often too, playing badminton, couple of outings and stuff. Simple outings just feel nice. Of course there are individual friends as well, everything was simple and fun although there are times which are frustrating and as time passes, the day to get back to where i belong drew near. the last 2 weeks in singapore was depressing, i tried so hard to make full use of it, to be happy and everything, but can someone tell me how's that possible.
Singapore back to Auckland
i cried perpetually where ever i am. its just uncontrollable and heart breaking. Up till now, my 17th day, i still cant get over it. I dont want to go back to a place with friends which are to me only acquaintances leaving a whole lot of fun behind. But yanlin told me and i must remember that. Friends in Singapore are special, dont expect yourself to find those in Auckland. Yes, they are special. If i can find those anywhere and everywhere, why are they special?
Now, my heart still aches frequently here, thinking at the back of my mind that if only i was in singapore. This semester started off better, since i've a flatmate and i joined quite a lot of activities thus far, with a few looking out for me. But the fear in me still overrides my optimism. If not for you, my friends in Singapore, I wouldn't be here and I thank you for that. This blog is for you and me. My thanks to you and your support for me. It gets me far and it gets me moving. Though its painful, though i cant say i would be successful, but i am sure i would be wasted if u weren't there. And this is for you. An ode to you.
weiqi and meiping, thank you.
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