So the exam results are out and everyone's on hols back in Singapore. yeah yeah yeah I'm envious. Their hols mark the start of my exams.

I was just searching for some stuff when I came across a disc labeled JC photos. When I opened the files in my laptop i laughed like mad man! I thought it was damn freaking funny! haha yeah.. those were the days.

3 years ago I was trying to get out of JC asap. Absolutely hated it. Felt that there were no memories. Felt that there was nothing worth remembering. But of course, now looking back, I'm trying to remember every bit of it. Not that I want to go through it again, its just that looking back makes me look forward concurrently. I remembered how I felt in the past and compare it with how I feel now and think of how I will feel in the future. 5 years down the road I'll be looking back to my life now and I wonder whats gonna go through my mind?

Anyways...JC... that kinda experience was just indescribable. Painful but yet subtly sweet.
Today was passed with memories from the past 3 years - I tried real hard to remember everything which happened during that period. I think the most of which were from the 1st 3 months and the last 3 months in JC. And the photos I've found just made me...laugh.





I remembered my love-hate relationship with that fountain next to odac store.
I remembered getting countless CWO by tham and trying to skip them.
I remembered getting fined so many times by tham again for not bringing the tie.
I remembered the countless conflicts I had with my parents.
I remembered being perpetually bottom in class.
I remembered entering APTS.
I remembered walking out of the maths paper during prelims.
I remembered losing my file of notes during the most crucial time.
I remembered 2 weeks before As we sneaked out of the house for a midnight movie and did not return home the whole night.
I remembered the incident I fainted in Hilton hotel.
I remembered buying MCs from policlinics.
I remembered our coffee bean studying sessions.
I remembered our swimming sessions.
I remembered our ban mian sessions.
I remembered our stay overs sessions.
I remembered our talk-to-morning sessions.
I remembered our ku gua chao xian dan, sea weed chicken, hei mian sessions.
I remembered our going home sessions, bus 853.
I remembered we randomly went ubin after lunch.
I actually remembered so many stuff...
I really really really miss them... and now, we've all moved on.
I was in dunedin for awhile...



then to auckland...


back to singapore...

then back to auckland again...




well I guess.. many stuff happened these past 3 years.
I really really really miss the past. Especially the months following A levels. It seems as though bulk of my memories lie there.
This song...foolish games.. went through JC with me..

fright night?

today is the day i'm gonna start my studying routine all over again...
yeah...that's fast. Well actually not that fast considering the exams are really really near.

I'd a 1 day break already and I reckon its really time for me to catch up on my commerce instead of law papers. Anyways the past 2 days after the test were the best cause.. I stuffed myself like mad.

Last night for dinner I cooked pasta with hollandaise sauce and poached eggs.. I intended to cook just the right amount but I kept convincing myself it wasn't enough so I poured more and more and MORE pasta into the pot and I added more and more and MORE ingredients to it and at last I ended with ONE BIG POT and I ate it all. (Thinking about the people in S. Africa)

Feeling a bit guilty I decided that maybe I should go down and run a bit in the gym or something but I ended up sleeping in the steam bath room. When I woke up the whole room was freaking hot and filled with so much steam I felt like I was half-cooked already.

Then I ate a bit of supper. And I told myself... its ok, its a reward. Maybe I'll do something about it the next day. But hell no!!

Today - breakfast I decided that I'm gonna give lunch a miss so I ate 1 salmon sandwich, 1 ham sandwich, 1 cup of horlicks. Went dressmart after lectures and then.. we ate Macs. 1 big Mac and 1/2 packet of large fries. After walking awhile we went back to Macs and I ate another cheeseburger and 1/2 packet of large fries. After reaching home we had dinner. We had steak + mashpotato + caesar salad. And now I feel like toasting another piece of bread but NO!!! Huiling NO!! you are crazy!!

I'm training for the meat-eating competition. No! Don't fight with me! I'll win! hahaha I'll beat your 27-bao record!! I'll eat 30 sausages!!
I bought $90 worth of groceries this week...3xs of what I usually do. Everytime I open the fridge I just wanna grab something to eat.. But NO!! HUILING NO!!!

Just now, as usual we went to the commons till 12am. Tonight is especially eerie. I know and always tell myself that I should never take the short cut. But then I know I would at 12am because by that time I just wanna reach home fast and rest. Anyways we took that eerie way. I've walked there several times - whether alone or with friends but today was just scary. Usually the scary part is the stretch at the end which is just a path and its isolated. Suddenly I heard some freaking weird and eerie sound. I decided to pretend I didn't hear it else I'll be freaking myself out and freaking Carol out so I just kept quiet.

Then suddenly someone pounced at the back of me and I swore my heart skipped a beat. And that person is Carol = . = AGAIN. This is the don't-know-how-many-times she has been scaring me like that. She was like.. what is that?! And she was so freaked out she didn't even know she was pulling my hair and freaking me out as well. Maybe tonight was exceptionally cold thats why it was exceptionally scary? But the feeling was just so not-right that we started running like MAD. Half way through running that sound again.. this time nearer and we started screaming and running even faster towards the exist. My god.. I felt that I was really running for my dear life and half expecting someone or some ghost would grab me from the back and maybe I'll just faint or bite my tongue or something.

Oh no.. its really weird tonight.. even now I'm feeling weird. I think I better sleep now...its so quiet.. Oh no... what am I gonna do next sem when Carol leaves?!!?!

I'm back again. I reckon I'm back very often during stressful times.. as you have already seen.

Not that my tests have ended, not that I'm free now, just that I need to... well just say some stuff...

Another week has gone by real quickly, as usual, I wish I could have more time to myself and think. Sit down and think, lie down and sleep.

Recently, just coincidentally, I've heard about several cases about deaths. No, not cases in law but through people. I guess no one really closed to me have ever passed away before. Not close enough to make a huge impact..

I wonder how they are taking things now? But one sure thing is that they are strong. They are really strong and maybe what gets them through are memories and the love they hold deep down.

The power of the human will. Heard that heaps of time? Yeah.. but its the undeniable truth.

Falling and standing up again. That vicious cycle of life - when would it ever end? You know its never gonna end, and knowing that, are you still willing to stand up again? Or maybe, knowing falling again is inevitable, why choose to stand again? Why not take that easy way out - tempting and easy. Seems as though there are no valid reasons not to reject that. But probably there is something within us which makes us fight.

Some just know what they are fighting for, know why are they fighting, know that they will get it. But some don't. They don't know a single thing yet carry on fighting. Half way through, they stare up blankly and ask themselves: What the hell am I doing? Why the hell I am here in the first place?

I've faced so many similar situations being disillusioned and I've always wonder what keeps me going on. What keeps everyone going on? I asked and I never got a definite answer. It seems as though there is no purpose, no drive, living is for the sake of living.

But no. There must be something in you. Something burning in you to make you want to lead this life. This life full of shit, this difficult life, this tragic life. That something is so great to make you willingly endure through that.

The ability to lead a life itself is already a strength. Everyone's fighting for it. Sometimes I feel, maybe its not worth it at all - A whole bunch of crazy people fighting and struggling, and through that, ugliness exposed.

I doubt so much, yet I've worked so hard. Up till this day, giving up has always cross my mind but never materialized. So I asked myself once again, the ultimate question - Why? There is still no answer to it. Just know that the past 20 years of my life I've struggled, I've worked hard, I felt like giving up, I've done stupid things. But I am still breathing till this day. It proves to me 1 thing - that there is something I want so badly that I am willing to fight till this day.

There is something in you that you want so badly. So badly that you are willing to fight for it till now. You are really strong...

My dad said:
Your mother asked me to talk to you. But I think you don't need it. You'll do it yourself.
Look further, life is beautiful.

I realize I miss my family.

i saw the sunrise this morning.. AGAIN.. that means I didn't get to sleep last night AGAIN..

You know, rushing to complete a law opinion is much more terrifying than rollarcoasters.I started at 9am in the morning.. all the way till 6pm, came back for an hour dinner, back to law library till 9pm, then to the commons till 12am..then back home till 1130am. I can't believe I managed to do that. I felt so pressurized the whole day, I felt so suffocated in the library, my course book turned from new to old within a day. This morning I still wasn't done.. half an hour before the due time, I ran all the way down to law school and submitted it. That joy... that kinda relieve.. indescribable.

I know its not going to end here, another test is coming up. Law. Thats so intimidating. I managed to catch 10min sleep and I rushed down to sell my notes... I've earned $900! YES! I can pay for my student loan! then to lectures..Lectures today were intensive..about the government..about the judges.. probably because I've been missing out a lot during assignment/test period but amazingly I didn't doze off, I was gulping down coffee and sweets.. and chanting 'Huiling wake up Huiling wake up.'

Then I went for dinner. A BIG one. I ate the whole bowl of freaking Korean rice AND a burger from Mac, all at one shot. Yes. I am that hungry, and my brain is that exhausted. Sadly, tonight's not a night to rest in total comfort.. 1 more online test, tutorial, readings etc etc and tomorrow, I'm gonna start another cycle of crazy nights till public law test is over.

I'm so tired once again. And I know although I've put in a lot of time and effort into my work, it won't be up to my expectations. I guess I just have to accept it.. that I can't be always doing well.. I'll continue fighting for it.. hopefully I'll get something out of it.. At the meantime, I still have to convince myself to get over stuff which I did badly and move on. Disappointing as it seems.. theres no choice..

Huiling go on go on go on go on go on dont give up dont give up dont give up move along move along you'll get through it its just another passing phase..

I went through... so many set backs these past few weeks. Another major one today. Just an hour ago. But I took a deep breath..I felt like breaking down again, but I know its no longer an option.

Although I feel real sore now, although I still feel like crying, I still feel like I need rest, I still feel like eating meat - I know this sounds comical.. but I really want to eat that. But, I realized I still need to go on.

I've been irrational the past few days. I said and did things I regretted. Its been a painful journey the past 2 months. From trying to put down the past, accept where am I, still trying to adapt, telling myself that I can do it.. very draining and very helpless at times. I really felt like giving up again...I wished I'd stopped pushing myself, I wished I was smart, I wished things could just go my way..But one after another, it kept pulling me down..and you know what, I'm damn tired

Ytd, Carol asked me, 'Why are you treating your life like a certificate?'
Van asked me, 'How many times do you want to fall?'

I..can't answer these questions yet. Sometimes I wished I'm a baby and I can just cry everything off. A crybaby. But Huiling... you can't stop no matter what happens.. Huiling you can't just stop there. Move on... Huiling, move on..

I feel the sore, I feel the confusion, I feel the struggles but maybe its the test of strength. I'm tired, but I've to move on..let go and move on.

Mother's day was ytd. Every special occasion makes me misses home. I talked to my mom for a moment, I feel like running home. A place where you know everything would be ok. That place which you can be able to fall and stand up again, a place where you can just cry.. without worrying that you got a whole lot of things behind your back.

I know its up to me to move on. I have to because there isn't an option. I'm thankful for those who stayed beside me. I don't care if what you said makes sense or not. Just as long you hear me speak. Don't criticize me.

Van, I don't know if you would ever see this but thanks. thanks is an understatement, but thank god you are here. That night was my worst night. today was bad as well. but i took it as calmly as i could have already. thanks for rushing down that day, thanks for just staying there even thought i was sleeping, thanks for packing my room, thanks for everything.

it was e worst night..i really dont knw what to do now..i dont knw.. dont tell me tt i can anymore. i haven slpt the whole night..i haven had proper slp e past week. im so worried.i screwed it up. i really did screwed it up. i dont understand what i was writing. i cant..i really cant...i really tried my best...but i was really too tired..i dont knw what to do..i dont knw what am i gonna do when i get it back..i really dont knw what to do now.. i got another assignment.. i cant go on anymore..i really cant think anymore..i just want to talk to someone..but its too early. everyone;s slping...i really dont knw what to do..i thought i can..eveyone told me to hang in there...i did..but..i really dont knw what to say now. i dont knw what to do now..i can only just sit here n cry...i feel so damn foolish..why the hell i put myself into such a situation...i dont knw how am i gg thru e next 2 weeks...i really...i dont know..

i am so freaking helpless now. My test starts in 5hrs time and I'm damn tired. I cant believe how am i going through tonight. after that freaking test i've to finish another essay before noon tmr. that freakin means i cant sleep tonight again. plus another accounting assignment due tmr. and u know what. they are counted for the finals. just kill me. i wished something would happen to me now. maybe ill get a fever, maybe ill faint.. then i dont need to sit for that test, then ill get an extension for the assignments. who the hell said nz was relaxing huh? WHO! TELL ME WHO!

i dont knw what to do now. all i know is that ive so many stuff to memorise. i cant start. 40 freakin cases plus principles and ratios. what the hell is the court's decision. and why. WHY WHY WHY! how the hell i know why.

im just damn freakin pissed and tired and stupid and irritated and frustrated and i can just whack someone now. n if i kill someone its not because i intended to. i was provoked. provoked by law. law is freakin crazy. pple in it are crazy. thats why im crazy. they are damn freakin smart and hardworking. TELL ME HOW THE HELL AM I GONNA COMPETE WITH THE TOP 200 STUDENTS in the uni! the only way is thru hardwork. but they are smart and hardworking. what the hell.

u know what. i really feel like going crazy. i walked passed the door just now and saw my reflection. i thought i looked like a ghost. huiling omg u suck. u know what. who the hell cares if u get A or B or C or D. Life still goes on man. why are u so stress. i dont freaking knw. i just wanna run away.. take a plane to another ctry. where my lecturer cant find me. and i wud laugh at the law students taking the tests.

and the freaking notes!i cant stand it! it was damn fun initially but now! i dont even hav time to print it for them. and they keep txting me. and im losing sales this way. its not a few dollars but hundreds! i cant let hundred bucks slip pass like that. and i just received a honorary cert frm e uni for last year's grades. what the hell. its like rubbing salt into my wound. last year's success is just another huge burden now and its the start of my downfall. and i just received an email frm my fren asking me about how can they complain about their lecturer. omg.. pls u r asking the wrong law student man! im gg to be the bottom in the whole law cohort. I dont freakin know the laws of that and if u guys are entitled for a complain. i only know that if i kill someone now ill hav a defense of insanity.

I JUST WANNA SIT DOWN AND EAT AND CRY AND SLEEP

i feel like going home now.

Its been awhile I've written something proper, the past entries were just...hmm... senseless I guess.

Although I know this really isn't the time typing all these, but I just feel like it.

Its been.. more than 2 months since I've left and it feels as if its only 1. Everyone's been moving on with life - the girls busy in uni and hall, the guys in army. Sometimes I feel that I'm missing something big in my life - the experience in sg's uni. But of course I know I'm gaining another experience. But there has been this worry of how am I going to fit into that society again 5 years down the road? And the constant fear of losing all you had back there. All these may be redundant, but uncontrollable thoughts.

Sometimes I feel glad to be exposed to a different group of friends, sometimes scared, sometimes disturbed. They are just so different, so different that you question yourself if your friends are the 'unusual' ones. All I can conclude is that, the world is really not that small, there are really many different kinda people. Its easy to imagine, but when you hear it, its just unbelievable. Sometimes I am just so amazed by situations people have went through. Sometimes I am just so disturbed by the things they say, sometimes their actions freak me out. And you would wonder why the hell is he behaving like that?!

Most of the time I wish to run back to my comfort zone, where the people are 'normal' in my view.

weird. just weird.
Its so comforting talking to people back in Singapore. You won't realize it, but do you know it makes a lot of difference? Regardless of how much fun/stress I'm having here, it still makes a difference. A big one.

I spent the last 2 days laughing my ass of with van and chris. And I thought about the trip to Christchurch, then I thought of our meat eating competition then I thought of our jumping-off-the-wharf plan.

And suddenly, I realized I am in deep shit. I did nothing to my essay, tests and opinions. Now I've to swallow all my laughter and cry. No right to complain, no right to feel stress, no right to ask for help. I brought it all upon myself. But... damn. Serve me right.

How far will you go?

How far will you go to attain your dreams?
Possibly all way out because thats your purpose of life, a reason for your existence, an explanation why you are here.
But how would you ever know for sure thats the thing - thats the purpose?
Maybe for some, thats god, for some it just comes naturally, for some it just doesn't matter and for the rest, they are or rather, we are still searching.

Maybe, we know inherently why are we still living. Fear of the pain of death? I guess not - you fear death because you know there is a need to continue living - there are unfinished businesses in your life.

After nearly vomiting in the bus, nearly fainting along the streets, getting good sales, nearly getting knocked down by a car, knowing real good friends and a series of different events regardless bad or good, I'm here asking myself again,
What is that I really want? What is that I really need? What is that I really dream?

A dream since young - a make-believe or a passion?
A dream now - a factitious one to move on?

Huiling, this time around, you got it wrong again.

I'm... so lost