Like how it should be

What do you call a Maori in a suit?
The Defendant

I spent the whole afternoon in Borders reading the article on Maori and the criminal justice in NZ, and I thought it was really nicely written - about the stereotype of a criminal offender in NZ.

The structural framework of Maori society some what bears some similarities to traditional chinese's. Familial obligations, individuality is secondary to the collective dynamic etc. All perpetuate ideal principles. And I guess most religions do so too. IDEAL - that is the thing. Ideal means a conception of something in its perfection, which means impossible.

I guess its our nature to fight, compete, argue, question. Since the earliest civilizations, there was 'survival of the fittest', then the Hyksos overran Egypt, then Chinese civilization emerged, fighting here and there, conquering there and here, between themselves, with the Mongols, then the Roman Republic, then Muslim expansion, then expansion of Christian control then imperialism and I don't know what happened till now we're still fighting. So fighting is NORMAL, arguing is NORMAL, everything bad that happens is NORMAL and everything good that happens means that you're lucky. And living in harmony is just an ideal. But aiming for an ideal goal is ideal. At least you're moving towards the right direction. At least the bad stuff ain't increasing exponentially.

Its always weird that the world in general is just fighting over everything and anything which they can fight for. Groups fighting and bashing each other. But if you take a person out from each group and put them together without any politics or whatever, if they just by coincidence, meet each other on the streets and sit down for a cup of coffee, I don't think they will fight. Maybe they will be good friends. Maybe they will gasp in amazement that they share similar principles and belief. Maybe the only difference they have is their background. Maybe both believe in 'loyalty and society above self'. Mr A and B would be thus loyal to society A and B respectively. What a pity, they may be best of friends if they were from the same society. Maybe this is what they called 'fate'.

Another desultory post. Never mind, I'll wake up early tomorrow morning, forget about the quarrel I had with my mom today, forget about my questions, start my life again, like how it should be - back to reality. And I will stop indulging myself in privacy till the next post.

The Witch of Portobello

By Paulo Coelho

'The rest of her life would have been a bitter clash between her personal dreams and collective reality. Knowing her as I did, she would have battled on to the end, wasting her energy and her joy on trying to prove something that no one, absolutely no one, was prepared to believe.'

Finally, had a chance to read this book just now. My favourite author yet I didn't get to read all of his books.
Finally went to Borders today, sat at Gloria Jeans for a few hours completing the readings and a part of this book.

Its not bad with couple of quotes which are really nice. But I doubt I'll like it as much as Veronika decides to die. I don't know why, but it seems that that book is just so, so, so very attractive to me. Feel like buying his books but they are way too expensive here, so I'll just drop by Borders these couple of days to finish it up. One day, when I'm in a real bad mood I'll just buy ALL of his books on impulse.

'When we venture into that unfamiliar sea, we trust blindly in those who guide us, believing that they know more than we do.' Yeah.
'The perfect crime – for we don’t know who murdered our joy, what their motives were or where the guilty parties are to be found.' Yeah.
'Athena always lived between 2 worlds: what she felt was true and what she had been taught by her faith.' Yeah.

Read his books, I think they are worth your time.

Just within this year, I've finished at least 10 serial dramas.
Do you know how much time I've spent on that? 1 serial drama, average 30 episodes, 1 episode average 1hour.

Yeah I didn't sleep well the past weeks because I was watching all these dramas. Just finished 3 within say 3 weeks. Whenever the whole serial ends, I'll feel a certain sense of loss... like damn... it just ended.

And I'll go back to my normal daily routine and lead the life I'm supposed to. After awhile, I'll start watching another drama. No matter how determined I was initially, to stop my addiction, I'll succumb to it sooner or later. Usually, its sooner. WHY???

Because there is always an ending. Although it may not be a happy one, there is still an ending. And the people in it can be either so perfect or so imperfect. Although the good guy may die, but he is remembered. It is still a happy ending after all. The girl/guy dies, his/her gf/bf continues living, stronger and happier because he/she always stay in his/her heart. Its a very typical ending but just as sad and just as heartwarming. I guess... the happiest thing is that there is an ending.

An ending...a happy ending...ha ha...something I wish for.
Tired these days, feel like going home these days and hug everyone.
And scream, I AM HOME!

If I can live till the age of 200, I'll be a doctor.

My Plans

I've spent and am still spending half of my time thinking about these kinda stuff..
When I'm walking, taking buses, basically, when I've the time..
I don't know when this started, vaguely in primary school, but a bit more seriously in Sec 3..and it accumulates through the years till today.

I always tell myself I'm halfway there, and to work harder and giving up is not an option.

Well, I thank my dad for making me do accounting. I was so against it initially because it somewhat brings along this negative connotation of being boring. And I thought science is boring enough. But I relented at last, because I was doing a design degree concurrently, so the interesting papers would offset the boring ones, so all in all, my time in university would be not too bad. But who would have expected that I sticked on to accounting and gave up design. I was THAT near in enrolling into BArts majoring in political studies when my dad asked why don't I try for law. I thought it was absurd at that point of time, but that greedy me just can't stop wanting more. I knew accounting, coupled with law can bring me anywhere in the future. They said its the only 2 degrees which can break into any industry. I thought...thats the safest yet riskiest choice. Either I get it or die trying. If I get it, I can do whatever I want. If I still love design, I can work in the design industry. If I don't like law, I've accounting to fall back on. If I'm bored with accounting, I can switch to law. Thank god, I'm fine with both law and accounting.

But its not easy. Its really not. My English is no where close to good. I can't talk like how they do. I don't have the flair in writing, I take ages to read and understand the case. And yes, there were many occasions I wanted to drop a degree. Even my mom tried persuading me to give up either one. But whenever I see those Part 1 law students mugging so hard for a place in Part 2, I told myself not to be stupid.

Just another 3.5 years of hard work, I can kick off my career. I really can't wait, I've been waiting since... primary school, doing everything I possibly can to bring myself closer to my goals. Now its so close, its making me really restless.

I just decided on the university I want to go to for exchange. Although it sounds weird for me to go for an exchange since coming to New Zealand is already like an exchange itself, but I reckon the more the merrier. Being rational, I think going to US is the best choice. Because 1) its worth it. Their school fees are crazily expensive and I only need to pay domestic fees. 2) their university is @#$%^& good and reputable. 3) the smart asses are there. But I just don't feel like. Next is Europe. Because 1) universities are not bad. 2) I like their culture and architecture 3) I'll rather backpack there than US. But I really don't feel like going to another western country. Next is Singapore. Ok, trash me! I know it sounds ridiculous to come back, but hear me out first! 1) I want to know who are my future working partners 2) I want to get an internship there 3) I want to know how law is like there 4)Networking. But its kinda difficult cause I'm a Singaporean and I need to appeal. So currently, I'm rather settled with Japan, Keio University. Because 1) I'm doing Japanese next sem, so might as well. 2) I can eat sushi 3) I like Japan 4) Most importantly, the business industry there is good, I think there's a lot to learn from them.

After the exchange, I'll come back to Auckland and wait for my graduation. In the meantime, I'll apply to one of the Big Four and also complete the scholarship bond. That would be in 2011. By the end of 2011, I would have completed my bond, my graduation with 1 year overseas working experience. Then, I'll move back to Singapore. Hopefully the previous working experience would come in handy. After working for a few years (hopefully in a MNC) with the related experiences and sufficient money, I'll quit and start my own business.

PriceWaterHouse Coopers (My Goal):

I'm not too certain what kind, but one of them definitely must be related to food, like a cafe or something. I thought of several concepts during the study period, which got me so distracted! After which, I'll see how it goes.

If my mom ever sees this, she would be shaking her head and be saying 'Huiling, stop day dreaming la'. Haha, yeah...maybe I'm just day dreaming, but goals push you, well at least it is one of the reasons which keeps me working hard. I may or may not achieve it, but its fun thinking of it. At least it keeps me on the right path. To work harder, score better, attend all my lectures, do all the readings.

I hope I don't need to get bankrupt in the process of that, if I do, everyone, please remember, I truly regard you guys as my very good friends.

But you know what, I think I need to start on my opinion now to kick start everything.

Christchurch





haha... I think this is the only photo I have with my brother ever since.. maybe kindergarten.
Christchurch is a beautiful city but just stupidly cold. Its so peaceful yet it made me pissed constantly with its stupid weather.

We almost missed our flight back. Our flight was at 7am, last check in at 630am, we got up around 615am. But guess what? We made it.

I'm getting a wee bit bored traveling within NZ. This is my forth time in Christchurch. My parents wanted me to travel with them in December both North and South again, then with the Odacians in Feb again.. My next destination...Australia! Although I've been there several times, but I guess thats my only alternative now. Since thats the next cheapest place to go to. Airfare I mean.

Bad Day

This inter-semester holiday is nothing like a holiday. Screw it man.
3 more days to the start of the semester and I've not started on my criminal opinion.

I went to court this morning and fell asleep. Just too tired. Last night was really bad. It was recommended that I should extract 2 teeth first then the other 2 a week later. But I wanted it to be over and done with as soon as possible so I did it a day apart. Extracted 4 teeth in 2 days. It was really a wrong move. It bled profusely and I can't seem to do anything for the whole day. The next day, extracted another 2. Maybe the huge loss of blood caused the fever. And, no, I don't have any panadol

I thought I'll be fine if I just sleep a bit more. But it was a real horrible night. I didn't know what to do. Or rather, I can't do anything. It was so cold outside and I was shivering despite having a fever. How ironic. Maybe my mom sensed something amiss, she called. But nah... I can't tell her else she will be totally freaked out, even on the smallest thing.

I am really pissed. I really need to start on my opinion and report but I can't. I can't because i can't concentrate. I don't feel exactly well enough to think properly. Screw it. I didn't even pay attention to the trial just now. Its supposedly interesting cause its a murder trial but I was fighting to keep awake. Now, I can't remember much to write my report.

And...I'm just so lethargic. And... the dishes are waiting in the basin... And... I've been eating the same old thing for the past 3 days... plain white porridge...

Fly my parents over.

I just received Jo's letter with photos of slackers' outing to JB and Sl's birthday. I thought it was a waste to just keep it in the drawers, so I decided to paste it up on one of the sliding doors. But there weren't enough to fill up all the spaces so I went to dig up more photos and stuff from the box under the table.

Its been a long time since I've opened the box, cause I felt that I've let go of the past. Not forget, but accept where I am. I felt that there isn't a need to keep referring to those letters to keep me going. As I was finding for some stuff, I came across letters written 2 years ago, before I left.

As expected, I cried again. But it really woke me up. It reminded me about my purpose here and what I expect myself to achieve here. It reminded me that my life in Singapore was not all that smooth-sailing and how badly I needed a get-away. I remembered how badly I needed to leave at that time and start anew. Coming over to NZ was my only alternative to find myself again. After all,it was my childhood dream to study abroad. Before I left, some told me to be a happier person when they see me again.

"Promise me that you'll be a happier person"

That was the reason why my parents sent me here. And I guess that was why Jo, although saying goodbye was difficult, thought it was best to leave for a few years.

My purpose here is to do well. To do extremely well and be happy. Being happy is a tricky thing but maybe for now, less bitter. Because I appreciate more now, I know there is a purpose, there is a reason in what I am doing. I must do well, if not for myself, then for at least 3 people, my dad, my mom, and my best friend.

The balance of life

"Certain people, in their eagerness to construct a world which no external threat can penetrate, build exaggeratedly high defenses against the outside world, against new people, new places, different experiences, and leave their inner world stripped bare. It is there that Bitterness begins its irrevocable work.

The will was the main target of Bitterness. The people attacked by this malaise began to lose all desire, and within a few years, they became unable to leave their world, where they had spent enormous reserves of energy constructing high walls in order to make reality what they wanted it to be.


The great problem with poisoning by Bitterness was that the passions -- hatred, love, despair, enthusiasm, curiosity -- also ceased to manifest themselves. After a while, the embittered person felt no desire at all. They lacked the will either to live or to die, that was the problem.

That is why embittered people find heroes and madmen a perennial source of fascination, for they have no fear of life or death. Both heroes and madmen are indifferent to danger and will forge ahead regardless of what other people say. The madman committed suicide, the hero offered himself up to martyrdom in the name of a cause, but both would die, and the embittered would spend many nights and days remarking on the absurdity and the glory of both. It was the only moment when the embittered person had the energy to clamber up his defensive walls and peer over at the world outside, but then his hands and feet would grow tired and he would return to daily life."
-Veronica decides to die, Paulo Coelho

How nicely written. Seems like I can never get sick of reading this book.

Recently, my dad remarked,'You see, life is fair.'
Previously, he asked my how are my friends coping with varsity life. I told him that those staying in halls are usually very committed and busy with the activities, their lives are so happening, but then again they find it difficult to cope with their studies. Those not staying in halls are usually kinda bored with uni but do not find it as taxing. Seems like its a trade-off.

That statement 'Life is fair' pops up every now and then. Concurrently, the total opposite statement 'Life is never fair' recurs.

How can it ever be fair? Some people are born smart, some good-looking, some ugly, some slow, some with terminal illness, some in broken families, some from rich and powerful families etc. The very minute we stepped into this world, we are different. We are placed in different environments whether we want it or not. So is that an omen? Signaling us right from the start?

Throughout my life, I've always thought that Life Is Unfair. No doubt about it. Why do I have to work to hard to just get mediocre grades? Why are my parents so strict? Why this and why that. But at the same time, some one out there may be asking, Why don't I have any parents? Why am I born with illness? Why is my father a drug addict? Or maybe why am I poor? And the questionings never end.

Does that mean that life is fair after all? But no, how about those untold heroes who die? How many instances have you seen, where nasty people get the best out of horrible things they do yet the nicest people get kicked in their asses? Maybe, at the very end they will be judged? By whom? Some say God. Maybe those nasty ones will go to hell. And the good ones to heaven. Maybe that is what is meant to show that 'Life is Fair'.

Really?

Maybe there is a certain tinge of bitterness within me, which resents everything that happens, anyone that comes along, so much so that I'm beginning to like being alone every once in awhile. I thought I loved crowds, parties, a happening lifestyle, laughing and joking in parties with extravagant deco etc. But I realized I actually needed a quiet, bright, spacious place to sit down and think. Clarity. And read. I realized I just needed a couple of friends. I needed someone who can see through me and get what I really meant. I don't need any consolation but understanding. Its a rare yet precious thing to be understood. To not only accept, but share similar sentiments.

I realized my childhood was kinda different. Making me...a bit...eccentric. Don't know if that is the right word to use, but can't find a better word. Girls at my age probably be cam-whoring or something...don't know why gossips never really appealed to me. Don't know why fashion magazines never really got my attention. Don't know why I can spend the whole day doing housework, don't know why I get so high buying household appliances. My god, I actually bought a rice cooker, rack, drainer, tuperwares from christchurch and flew it back with me to Auckland. Then straight to food town and bought a mop, glass cleaning liquid, etc.

It made me so damn happy, cause I no longer need to squat and wipe the freaking floor anymore. I feel so ah-soh. Who the hell would be so darn happy buying mops and rags?! At the age of 20? My mom scolded me. She asked me to stop doing the housework and stop buying household stuff and get on with studying. She will do it when she comes. But I actually enjoyed it. I kept wondering, there must be something more exciting in life than this. But I know deep down inside that I like doing it. Because I want to be alone and reflect while cleaning. That is why I am perpetually cleaning up the house. Maybe its just an excuse to get away from work, from everything.

What a long and disconnected post. I just feel like going to a kopitiam, sit down and drink teh gao and rot, as if there's all the time in the world to waste.