Finally, something not-so-nonsensical

I don't know why but I actually feel very comforted and happy today.
(Although I'm so far behind for all my papers and I'm just starting on Contracts test)

Its one of the rare occasions my mood swings towards the positive side - so much so that I have to blog about it.

Maybe it was the grocery shopping I done just now (I made it to both Taiping and Foodtown! Also a reason why I actually spent twice the amount I budgeted to)

Maybe its because I made it to Torts (I had nightmares throughout the night about oversleeping such that I woke up in time - how ironic and miraculous is that!)

Maybe I have figured out certain stuff

Maybe I have accepted certain stuff

Maybe there isn't really a need to know why. Why must we always know why. Sometimes there isn't a reason or rather it doesn't even matter. Because what matters most is already in place.

Its been quite some time since I've blogged about...well...issues about life, if you will. I realized I've been writing quite a fair bit of crap the past few months. Not that I've made a recent revelation or anything like that, but well, I reckon its better to think things through when you are at balance or peace with yourself - at least you will not run the risk of swaying towards the negative or paranoia which tends to be a slippery slope and before you know it, you enter the realm of depression.

I guess thats my vulnerability - the inability to control yet the ability to over-control my feelings. It sounds a lil...awkward and contradictory but if you think about it, most characteristics, regardless of how different they are, can be used to describe you in one way or another - it just depends on which context you are using it. Some say that I'm hardworking but come on, who is inherently hardworking? I can be the laziest person you know yet the most hardworking person you've met - it all depends on what I'm doing or who I am with.

Characteristics used to describe us are just a reflection of how we present ourselves in front of the people we mix with. I am actually a lil skeptical of its accuracy in portraying us as a whole. But I reckon it more or less does for some, well at least it shows where the person's personality tends to. Oh wells, thats just a random thought of mine - it kinda serves as a reminder that although first impression counts, its not decisive. Sometimes, you gotta take a step back and accommodate a lil more.

Alright, what was my point? Oh ya, my inability to control and my ability to over-control. When I was younger, I thought being a good person was a cool idea so I envisaged myself to be a good person. It sounded pretty easy and it feels good too. Whats more, everything to me was either black or white, right or wrong - just do the right thing and I am good and everyone would love me. Easy, no?

Of course, I grew up and was introduced to something called Grey and something called Subjectivity. Being good was no longer as simple as it seems but I thought as long as I stand firm on what I believe in, I will still be good.

Of course, I continued growing and realized that I no longer understood what 'good' means. Good for who? Good to who? Struggled quite a bit and gave in to countless temptations thinking that it doesn't matter any more - when you lose your definition of 'good', you lose your persistence in maintaining that belief. When there is a loophole in your faith, you can and will come up with all reasons to stray from it - which I did.

I didn't do anything outwardly harmful and people hardly noticed it. But I know its something obviously wrong. But who knows, who cares when nobody actually was affected by it? I guess thats why we have something called conscience and moral. Nobody needs to know - as long as you do and you care - thats enough because that is going to plague you for quite some time, if not, forever. So I was settled that yes, I'm a horrid person with corrupted thoughts - we all do don't we? But as long as I do not convert it into actions, it will be fine. I'm just being human.

But that brought another problem forward. That is my ability to control - gradually, I became so in tune with controlling I started unknowingly over-controlling. My objective mind was initially used to tell me what to do and what not to do. Soon, its usage broadened and now its telling me what to think, what to feel and what not to and how to be a good person.

Whats wrong with that? Good sounds acceptable and desirable. But there is something wrong with that, I failed to see its consequences. When you void yourself from feelings you kinda lose a part of yourself. It wasn't really apparent at the start but it kinda exposes you to a danger of falling harder when you realize it. Things do not go smoothly in reality and its not always certain that good begets good. When you do not get a flowery outcome as you imagined, you start questioning the reasons and the worthiness of your efforts. Sooner or later you try to find yourself and to your horror, you can't. Are you really good? Or being good for the sake of being good? What is the point of being good? At that instance of questioning, I usually fall into a deranged state and thats when I lose it all - a sudden lost in control in everything - thats when my inability to control occurs.

I guess a solution to most, if not everything is a matter of balance. How to achieve that? I'm still figuring - such stuff takes time, experiences and maturity. Being good is a tricky lil thing, being good and still preserving yourself is mind-boggling. Good - what a broad term it is. Good as a human, a citizen, a friend, a sister, a daughter, a student, a passenger, a customer or a worker?

I know you guys might think that I'm thinking too much again. But, hey, I'm striking a balance here, I don't wanna run the risk of having psychosis during contracts haha.

And of course, how can I not remember to say this:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY NAT!!! (2/08/08)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JO!!! (6/08/08)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SPEN!!! (12/08/08)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JES!!! (21/08/08)
No, I'm not trying to be objectively good, I'm trying to sincerely wish you guys haha!