i had this thought the past few weeks, which may be a ridiculous and absurd move to most but what i really wish. i'm not prepared to confidently say i would go for it because i dread the consequences and honestly, i think its gonna be unacceptable to many including myself - it would only make me think that i suck. I don't think anyone would understand my urge for that.

yesterday, we went for ocf's gathering. There were singaporeans and they were nice. But i realised we were from very different backgrounds and very different mindsets. Singaporeans don't have a real identity i guess, that 'identity' i thought we had was not a singaporean one but rather, an identity belonged to the people i mix with.

today we went for the fireworks display and an outdoor performance. The past few weekends here were packed and we returned home rather late at night, which is rather unusual, in view that i'm in auckland not singapore. I think most would think i'm alright now, that things are settling down, and i've activities going on etc. But as days pass and things kinda settled down, u'll realise if the place really suits you or otherwise. how frustrated i am with myself and how badly i want someone to understand.. i really do.. i really hope i can say some stuff freely without worrying to be judged at. maybe thats why i had no choice but to get this blog going. but not many knows bout this anyway, its more like me talking to myself. at least i'm typing now, not struggling inside.

rayvin kept saying that i'm stoning. i'm not actually, i'm just thinking what to do. how to do it. telling myself i can do it but i know that i'm just lying to myself. telling myself a lot of stuff trying to keep that faith going, but thats just not possible alone. i called my dad just now, i tried saying a little bout how helpless i feel but i guess, we can never eye to eye because to him, we are pure lucky to be able to study here and he went on bout how unfortunate other's are and that i dont appreciate what i have now. i really dont wanna hear that at this point of time, it just makes myself hate myself even more. theres so many struggles occupying my whole head now and my vision is totally blurred by the thoughts. i cant lead a day with ease, and i have to constantly encourage myself and push myself in the day to move on. in short, i'm just lost. and what can i say to my dear friends? that i want to give up? no.

just...shoot me.