Ode to you

I am huiling, aged 20 this year.
I am a Singaporean but a New Zealand PR, currently studying Law and Commerce in Auckland University.
I had several blogs before but none managed to survive due to my love-hate relationships with them.
but the question is why this blog at this time? I would say because, it may be a solution or rather a distraction to my current situation.
'Ode to you' is the title of this blog. To who? well, to all my friends. yes, i know, another typical blog to applaud friendships. yes, maybe, but this comes deep down my heart. thank you is an understatement because these 2 words can't express even a tenth of my gratitude.
Friends.. i can never really decipher what that means to me. I hate them yet I love them. They are the basis of all my problems yet the only solution as well. Throughout 20 years of existence in this world, friends make a part of me and influenced me deeply. Its not as though i've heaps of friends. That what blogs make me think bout bloggers, as if they've never ending line of friends queuing up for their attention and that their life is so happening with all their friends lovin' them as well as them lovin' their friends. I've not much comments about that, its either thats true or thats false, just a way to make them feel better? But thats just a sidetrack, the main thing is, I am no longer ashamed to say that yes, i don't have that many friends, but what i am proud to say is that the friends i have are those who would walk with me through my entire life.
cheesy? maybe. but i cant imagine my days over here without their support. up till now i'm still lethargic and feelin like shit but you all talked to me through msn, it maybe rubbish talk, nonconstructive stuff and bullshitting but the underlining importance of the conversations is that you make me feel that i'm not losing you all and that singapore is still always waiting for me.
Cedar
i think i've never really appreciated friends before coming over. In Cedar friends to me were bout fun. As long as I can have fun with them, they are my good friends. As long we did many stuff together, we are good friends. The days were carefree, some hiccups along the way, stressful days and everything, but nothing major to test the strength of friendships. We were close, had enjoyable times but soon break off as we moved towards a more promising future.
AJC
one of my greatest regret up till now. My regret was that i did not appreciate my friends as much as i should have. i hated AJ, so much so that i hated everything in it. every single thing. but ironically its the place i got the most out of it. friends for life. just a few, but honestly, how many do you need? maybe more makes you look better, makes you feel better - thats no doubt bout it. yeah, and i agree to that. its great fun having so many pple around, but soon again everyone moves on to another phrase of life. isn't it tiring.. that cycle of come and go. Once in awhile, a gathering pops up and everyone gathers together and laugh bout the past and reminisce bout how fun the days were etc. but an hour later everyone moves on again, and i would be left thinking: so what exactly are friends? i got a deeper understanding of that recently but before that, let me go on to the next phrase..
Otago University
a huge change for me without much mental preparation. I would think it was a natural course of my life since that was what i've always wanted but i guess i was wrong. Otago University, grew up heaps in there just within a couple of months. People there were nice, friends were ok, just that i didn't get to find friends who were similar to those found in JC.i honestly can't say i've enjoyed the place at all, in fact it gives me nightmares. Thrown into the deep end of earth with whites and mountains and ocean and students and the crazy weather and the need for independence and lousy food - that is scary alright. It was. I struggled heaps but daren't voice out as i was trying to brainwash myself. I went through it, did well in the exams but i knew that was it. I cant continue in that place for another 5 years. I packed up and moved up North - Auckland.
Auckland University
And i thought i was out of hell. then again, i was wrong. That never dying optimism in me during the 1st year was..hmm.. amazing i guess. I would NEVER ever go through that again. I've reached my threshold and i can't tolerate anymore of that extreme loneliness and fear. I came in late, knew no one, had to compete with crazy smart asses for a place in law school and that sucks. I came home everyday to an empty apartment and promised myself I would make more friends the next day, but the nature of how uni works doesn't get me anywhere - I was left desperate. I started counting down the days back to Singapore. And with me throughout the dark days were friends from Singapore. It was a good filter though. During that period of time, all my friends were filtered naturally, the friends-for-life and the friends-for-fun ones.
Backpacking
the 3 weeks backpacking trip made NZ sound less bad. No, maybe NZ aint bad, its just that i couldnt let go of Singapore. it was good fun, but temporary. Backpacking sounds cool, and it was cool driving round the whole NZ doing crazy stuff you cant do in singapore with a group of 4, 3 girls and 1 guy. but the urge of getting my ass back in singapore was growing so intense i went to e airport a week earlier to try to hop on a plane if there were enough seats
Singapore again and Fullerton
of course, going back was crazily happy and exciting for me. I loved Singapore even more, I loved my friends even more, and i didn't want to come back EVEN more. I had good fun, working especially. It tired me out but it was just as nice. Fullerton was.. well, my first job so its kinda significant for me. My job was nothing extremely exciting nor nothing really out of e world happened to me, but i guess i loved that place because it is so..Singapore. Everyday when i'm walking in the staff areas i'll be thinkin: you better treasure this time else you'll miss it back in Auckland. i've learnt a lot, had fun, appreciate more as well. Odac met up quite often too, playing badminton, couple of outings and stuff. Simple outings just feel nice. Of course there are individual friends as well, everything was simple and fun although there are times which are frustrating and as time passes, the day to get back to where i belong drew near. the last 2 weeks in singapore was depressing, i tried so hard to make full use of it, to be happy and everything, but can someone tell me how's that possible.
Singapore back to Auckland
i cried perpetually where ever i am. its just uncontrollable and heart breaking. Up till now, my 17th day, i still cant get over it. I dont want to go back to a place with friends which are to me only acquaintances leaving a whole lot of fun behind. But yanlin told me and i must remember that. Friends in Singapore are special, dont expect yourself to find those in Auckland. Yes, they are special. If i can find those anywhere and everywhere, why are they special?

Now, my heart still aches frequently here, thinking at the back of my mind that if only i was in singapore. This semester started off better, since i've a flatmate and i joined quite a lot of activities thus far, with a few looking out for me. But the fear in me still overrides my optimism. If not for you, my friends in Singapore, I wouldn't be here and I thank you for that. This blog is for you and me. My thanks to you and your support for me. It gets me far and it gets me moving. Though its painful, though i cant say i would be successful, but i am sure i would be wasted if u weren't there. And this is for you. An ode to you.

weiqi and meiping, thank you.