The balance of life

"Certain people, in their eagerness to construct a world which no external threat can penetrate, build exaggeratedly high defenses against the outside world, against new people, new places, different experiences, and leave their inner world stripped bare. It is there that Bitterness begins its irrevocable work.

The will was the main target of Bitterness. The people attacked by this malaise began to lose all desire, and within a few years, they became unable to leave their world, where they had spent enormous reserves of energy constructing high walls in order to make reality what they wanted it to be.


The great problem with poisoning by Bitterness was that the passions -- hatred, love, despair, enthusiasm, curiosity -- also ceased to manifest themselves. After a while, the embittered person felt no desire at all. They lacked the will either to live or to die, that was the problem.

That is why embittered people find heroes and madmen a perennial source of fascination, for they have no fear of life or death. Both heroes and madmen are indifferent to danger and will forge ahead regardless of what other people say. The madman committed suicide, the hero offered himself up to martyrdom in the name of a cause, but both would die, and the embittered would spend many nights and days remarking on the absurdity and the glory of both. It was the only moment when the embittered person had the energy to clamber up his defensive walls and peer over at the world outside, but then his hands and feet would grow tired and he would return to daily life."
-Veronica decides to die, Paulo Coelho

How nicely written. Seems like I can never get sick of reading this book.

Recently, my dad remarked,'You see, life is fair.'
Previously, he asked my how are my friends coping with varsity life. I told him that those staying in halls are usually very committed and busy with the activities, their lives are so happening, but then again they find it difficult to cope with their studies. Those not staying in halls are usually kinda bored with uni but do not find it as taxing. Seems like its a trade-off.

That statement 'Life is fair' pops up every now and then. Concurrently, the total opposite statement 'Life is never fair' recurs.

How can it ever be fair? Some people are born smart, some good-looking, some ugly, some slow, some with terminal illness, some in broken families, some from rich and powerful families etc. The very minute we stepped into this world, we are different. We are placed in different environments whether we want it or not. So is that an omen? Signaling us right from the start?

Throughout my life, I've always thought that Life Is Unfair. No doubt about it. Why do I have to work to hard to just get mediocre grades? Why are my parents so strict? Why this and why that. But at the same time, some one out there may be asking, Why don't I have any parents? Why am I born with illness? Why is my father a drug addict? Or maybe why am I poor? And the questionings never end.

Does that mean that life is fair after all? But no, how about those untold heroes who die? How many instances have you seen, where nasty people get the best out of horrible things they do yet the nicest people get kicked in their asses? Maybe, at the very end they will be judged? By whom? Some say God. Maybe those nasty ones will go to hell. And the good ones to heaven. Maybe that is what is meant to show that 'Life is Fair'.

Really?

Maybe there is a certain tinge of bitterness within me, which resents everything that happens, anyone that comes along, so much so that I'm beginning to like being alone every once in awhile. I thought I loved crowds, parties, a happening lifestyle, laughing and joking in parties with extravagant deco etc. But I realized I actually needed a quiet, bright, spacious place to sit down and think. Clarity. And read. I realized I just needed a couple of friends. I needed someone who can see through me and get what I really meant. I don't need any consolation but understanding. Its a rare yet precious thing to be understood. To not only accept, but share similar sentiments.

I realized my childhood was kinda different. Making me...a bit...eccentric. Don't know if that is the right word to use, but can't find a better word. Girls at my age probably be cam-whoring or something...don't know why gossips never really appealed to me. Don't know why fashion magazines never really got my attention. Don't know why I can spend the whole day doing housework, don't know why I get so high buying household appliances. My god, I actually bought a rice cooker, rack, drainer, tuperwares from christchurch and flew it back with me to Auckland. Then straight to food town and bought a mop, glass cleaning liquid, etc.

It made me so damn happy, cause I no longer need to squat and wipe the freaking floor anymore. I feel so ah-soh. Who the hell would be so darn happy buying mops and rags?! At the age of 20? My mom scolded me. She asked me to stop doing the housework and stop buying household stuff and get on with studying. She will do it when she comes. But I actually enjoyed it. I kept wondering, there must be something more exciting in life than this. But I know deep down inside that I like doing it. Because I want to be alone and reflect while cleaning. That is why I am perpetually cleaning up the house. Maybe its just an excuse to get away from work, from everything.

What a long and disconnected post. I just feel like going to a kopitiam, sit down and drink teh gao and rot, as if there's all the time in the world to waste.