Ithaca

When you set out on your journey to Ithaca,
pray that the road is long,
full of adventure, full of knowledge.
The Lestrygonians and the Cyclops,
the angry Poseidon - do not fear them:
You will never find such as these on your path
if your thoughts remain lofty, if a fine
emotion touches your spirit and your body.
The Lestrygonians and the Cyclops,
the fierce Poseidon you will never encounter,
if you do not carry them within your soul,
if your heart does not set them up before you.

Pray that the road is long.
That the summer mornings are many, when,
with such pleasure, with such joy
you will enter ports seen for the first time;
stop at Phoenician markets,
and purchase fine merchandise,
mother-of-pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
and sensual perfumes as you can;
visit many Egyptian cities,
to learn and learn from scholars.
Always keep Ithaca in your mind.
To arrive there is your ultimate goal.

But do not hurry the voyage at all.
It is better to let it last for many years;
and to anchor at the island when you are old,
rich with all you have gained on the way,
not expecting that Ithaca will offer you any riches.
Ithaca has given you the beautiful voyage.
Without her you would never have set out on the road.
She has nothing more to give you.

And if you find her poor, Ithaca has not deceived you.
Wise as you have become, with so much experience,
you must already have understood what Ithacas mean.

Constantine Cavafy
from The Zahir by Paulo Coelho

I heard this from somewhere recently:
Courage and responsibility are like brothers. They coexist together. Because of the burden of responsibility, you have the courage to carry on living. It is because we rely on one another which made us carry on living. Until one day when you're relieved of all your burden and responsibilities, maybe, you lose your courage as well.
I didn't do a good job paraphrasing that quote but the idea is there.

It takes a lot of courage for me to talk to my dad because he is just so frank. He doesn't intentionally say stuff to hurt you because he doesn't even know you'll be hurt by that. That is why what he says is true and the truth, is often painful. He is getting old, he doesn't think that much when he says stuff. Sometimes I hear my mom hushing him at the background and I chuckle thinking what is the point of hiding when that is the truth.

Yesterday he told me that I'm emotionally weak. Too weak. But luckily I'm determined which made up for it. I tried arguing albeit knowing what he said was true, just to make myself feel a lil better. I argued that if I'm as weak as he thinks, I wouldn't even have the courage to come here. I wouldn't have the courage to continue staying here. I wouldn't have the courage to take up law. I would have just packed my bags and go back to my comfort zone or I would have just moved into a hall and not stay alone. But he said that was not because I'm strong. It is because I am determined. He said jokingly that I'm lucky in that sense.

I wonder how true were his words. I reckon it probably is. Yes, I've heard people telling me the same stuff before. If, presumably the 2 most dominant characteristics I have are emotionally weak and determination, I think the result is an overwhelming surge of internal struggles. Both seemed to be of stark contrast and to have both dominant within you may be a tricky matter.

Yes, I'm emotionally weak and I thought of giving up so many times in so many occasions but giving up has also never been an option to me. I feel like it but I can't. My friend commented that 'you're number 1 in tormenting yourself.', 'If you don't like it, then don't do it.' And you must be wondering why can't I give up. Why can't I just do what I want. I can, but ultimately I know if I do I will blame no one except myself. My emotions play a primary role in how I do things yet my mind play even a stronger part in deciding what I'm gonna do. Both coexist in one body yet goes in opposite directions often leading to an internal struggle and disillusionment.

I guess I'm always driven by emotions yet always take a step back when my mind starts working. That sounds like a balance but I guess those struggles are taking a toil. There is nothing exceptionally wrong in my life now. But yet there is nothing exceptionally right. The issues I face everyday and the way I handle them reflects who am I and sometimes wonder am I doing the right thing. My parents said I got to be a lil more aggressive and that the society is filled with vicious people, all selfish and out to get you. I guess they don't really believed in unconditional friendships and advise me not to accommodate too much. I've always been skeptical about the world and people yet I still believe strongly in friendships. One is driven by mind, the latter by heart.

Maybe I knew it all along but tried believing in it to bear at least a lil faith and hope in life. But of course, as you grow older you see more, more of the ugly sides to be specific. I don't want to lose that little faith I have left and tried hard believing that no, there is still such thing as friendships and relationships. I always debated with my family about this issue but as time passes, things get clearer and I've started to accept it. I can't get used to it but accepting is the easiest way because I don't have the power to change anything.

When we were out, they told me: you don't need to treat them so nice. Just heck it all. I envy their easy-going nature. Just heck it all, don't need to treat them so nice. Yeah, I don't know why I even bother helping them when it doesn't even help me in any ways but making me feel worse. No, its not that I'm nice, because if you're really nice you won't regret helping. But I do regret. I always regret when I say yes and later dread what I've to do. I dread my stupidity in agreeing. There are many times when my friends disappointed me and I was really pissed. That is my true feelings. But my mind tells me to stop being a petty freak. My mom said 'ni bei ren li yong hai bu dong' (you don't even know you've been made used of). I never thought it as being 'made used of' because you're just helping them when they need it and they would help you when you need it. But well, I guess its not as simple as I think it is. Of course its not. Its just how I would like it to be that simple.

But I guess I still got the courage to carry on. Just a lil. Why? I guess because I have just 1 last hope:

'And if you find her poor, Ithaca has not deceived you.
Wise as you have become, with so much experience,
you must already have understood what Ithacas mean.'

I want to know, would I really understand what 'Ithacas' mean in the end?
After all my struggles, would there really be a happy ending.