Regret

'The complete absence of noise and movement, that brought me into contact with myself.'


Regret is the title of this piece playing on my blog. I don't know what you think of it, but it some how makes me feel as though it is a reflection of my life. Not a single word in it yet means so much. An elusive piece, my elusive thoughts.

As I grow older my regrets grew stronger, as if one is directly proportionate to the other. Sometimes regret is gainful, when you regret what you failed to do, you make sure you won't this time around. Sometimes its painful, when you realize it, it is far too late, the consequences have already gotten into you.

Who I am now is a reflection of my past and experiences - whether I have learned from it or fell because of it. Sometimes I try to dissimulate my true feelings to cloak my failure in learning and regrets, all for the purpose to move on. But I guess its all a sham, when there is complete silence, you come face to face with yourself and by then, I vindicate myself from the expectations of myself. Well, not really actually. Sometimes, it is freedom to be how you want to be. Sometimes, it is me reproaching myself - why can't I do this, why can't I do that?

I often stop and think if my expectations are too high? But I always come to the same conclusion - No. It is how a reasonable person would expect. Next I would ask what caused the current situation I am in? Considering every factor, I came to a conclusion that the paramount reason is my past. Finding nothing blameworthy except myself, yet not wanting to carry such a heavy burden, I succumbed to regret - If only I had done xxx I wouldn't be like xxx. Since I can't do anything to change xxx I'm the way I am, I will remain xxx.

There are other more hopeful attitudes towards this but this only proves a point that we all like to take the easy way out, which is not that easy per se. Tried yet failed. Tried again yet failed again. Sometimes I doubt the common belief that the more you've gone through, the stronger you are. I rather stand for the saying once beaten, twice shy. I remembered how aggressive I was last time, how confident I was. Now it is dwindling.

It takes much more courage to try again and it takes much more convincing to do so. I would like to change most aspects of my life, so much so that I hope to live again, start off as a clean slate.

I regretted I never really see the importance of a family. Up till now I'm guilty to say that I have never made up for it although I am gradually understanding the amount of sacrifices my family made for me. I've blamed them for their over protection, which made me missed out a lot in my school days. Although I still occasionally do blame them, I blamed myself even more for not accommodating another perspective - their reasons. I knew the reasons but just did not think it was justified, because reasonable parents won't act that way. But I realize that there is no such thing as a reasonable parent when it comes to protecting their child, because their love is unconditional and unreasonable. A reasonable person won't do what a parent does. A parent is not a reasonable person when it comes to his child because his anxiety for the child clouds his reasonableness so basing the standard of a 'reasonable' parent, if there is even such definition, to your parent, is in fact unreasonable on your part. I was unreasonable.

But for the past 20 years I was brought up in a sphere of self-centeredness. The transition stage is just too difficult. I'm not a person who speaks my mind, not a person who takes the initiative, not a person who dares to show love or hatred. A person who appears to be relatively indifferent. I hope to make that transition quick and painless but whenever I do, I know it is not myself and I can't go against myself. Then another question, what actually is myself?

I often find myself bearing the label of being indifferent. I am not, I am really not. I take things very seriously, maybe too serious such that I need to look indifferent to offset my over-cautious attitude to everything and everyone. Gradually I like being quiet because keeping quiet is the safest. But when you fall into silence, you get cut off from the world.

And that, I regret.