A Series of Unfortunate Events

1) Handed in my worst essay ever written (Global history)
2) Nearly got knocked by a car again - I thought he was moving out but he was actually reversing and I couldn't hear his horns because my ipod was blasting into my ears
3) Scars of the burnt won't go away
4) Stomach ache after eating expired bread - I thought it looked o.k.
5) Don't know why but I feel that I can't breathe properly sometimes
6) Can't study

Hmm... well all these are making me feel frustrated at times but they are just minute situations which I think I can still handle them. But whats disturbing me are these...

1) Mrs Serene Ng just passed away due to some delivery complications. She never taught me before but she was my teacher-in-charge for Math Olympiad in Cedar when I was in Sec1. She's known to be pretty and nice teacher. What a pity to depart the world at such a young age - leaving her whole family behind.

2) My friend's father passed away recently.

3) My friend's mother passed away recently.

4) My friend's sibling is diagnosed with cancer.

5) My cousin's girlfriend attempted suicide.


F***! I never thought such things would happen around me but it recently did, one after the other. I'm not particularly close to any of them but its still disturbing. I wonder how are they taking things now? They are no doubt, 100xs braver than me. There are many occasions which I'd dreamed about my loved ones dying and waking up in tears. I realized that its damn freaking scary and its gonna take so much courage and will to overcome that loss.

I remembered when I was a kid in primary school, my Chinese teacher was punishing one of my classmates because she didn't ask her parents to sign her ting xie (spelling test). She said that her mom wasn't in. My teacher shouted at her, 'jiao ni ba ba qian!' (Ask your dad to sign it!) And she was helplessly crying in front of the class saying, 'Ta si le' (He is dead). I remembered that scene so damn clearly.

And then there was a time a schoolmate's dad was killed in JB in some robbery because he wanted to protect her and got shot instead.

And then there was a time a schoolmate passed away due to leukemia.

I was never profoundly closed to them but these news always shake me back to reality, that yes, anything can happen, and yes, life is that fragile.

I don't like partings. All types. I mean who likes it anyway? But some learned to accept it but I guess I'm very susceptible to it. (I'm quite ashamed to say that I still cried like a kid the SECOND time I left for NZ and I know I still will the 3rd,4th,5th...10th time no matter how hard I control) But there was one particular time I didn't.

It was my Grandmom's funeral, a week before I left for NZ. I never shed a tear throughout the whole 5days. No, not that I hate her or anything, in fact she gained my utmost respect. I felt guilty initially, when everyone was mourning and crying I asked myself, how can I not even tear!? But I guess, I felt that she left us with peace. She spent her whole life struggling - paying debts, bringing up her children, supporting the family, waiting for her husband's return for 10 years, dealing with a son who is a gambler and despite all her struggles, she never got anything in return, up till her last day in this world. My mom said she was a kind soul - too kind, too nice but just didn't know how to be a lil more tactful. She suffered her whole life and I guess her passing was a form of relief to her.

I didn't sleep a few nights during her funeral, burning incense paper next to her coffin and keeping the cats out. Most of the time I was alone till the next morning - but it didn't feel all that scary. I wonder why...

But I'd a dream one night - her image was blur but I could hear her voice, speaking to me in hokkien, 'Ling ah, very painful... very painful...'
Till this day, I never told any one in my family. I don't know why, maybe I'm just uncomfortable saying it, maybe I want to believe that I remembered my dream wrongly, maybe I just don't want my mom to feel even worse.

Death...it happens every day, every minute, every second yet its so hard to accept. And those who'd experience a loss of a loved one, you're a hero/heroine in your own right and I respect you for that.

Life isn't too kind to you, but I'm sure your loved one would be smiling with pride somewhere out there.