I was just not feeling well before and during the test. Just too tired, too tired till you don't know that you need a rest, too tired till you can't rest.
After blacking out in the toilet, I knew I needed a rest but I know too that I can't afford it. Well actually, I think its just all in your mind. If you tell yourself you aren't tired, you aren't! Well, at least its my way of hanging in there.
While we were cooking, I did stuff unknowingly - I did not wash the veg before cooking, I used the dirty spoon to get the dark sauce, I added way too much water into the rice. My mind seemed way too congested to be thinking of other stuff - its like your mind and body is just not in sync.
Later at night, I got real frustrated because the headache was killing, I'm not prepared and I was giving crappy solutions to people with problems - I'm so sorry. I became real hungry and felt so meat-deprived. I suddenly thought I saw a drumstick walking into my room but sadly that was actually Carol. How disappointing.
Slept pretty late and was woken up by my handphone - someone wanting to buy another set of notes. Something nice to wake up to but then again, I knew the day ahead was gonna be sucky - I was still tired, the sleep was nothing close to 'enough' and the headache was still there. But, never underestimate the power of your mind - I got through the day with a headache, I got through the test as well.
But the highlight of the night was - Good Charlotte. They were having a concert next to Brooklyn lounge where Gabby's birthday was held. We waited outside hoping to catch a glimpse of them and took out scrapes of paper just in case we were lucky enough to get their signature - and we were that lucky! Ok, honestly, I don't know how many band members are there nor how they look like. But anyway, they came one by one and signed on the papers we were holding and they were pretty nice. As in, they bother to talk to you if you do, but obviously I didn't, I don't even know their individual names. When Billy (I think) took my paper, he accidentally dropped it and picked it up again. I was like.. shit.. because he could see the back of the paper I was using. Its a pathetic piece of used photocopy prepaid card. But fortunately he just apologized. They were all nice and I thought we were kinda like freeloaders there - without even attending the concert, don't even know their individual names. And after which, thinking of selling their signatures on TradeMe.
And our apartment was on fire. Well not on our level but the 3rd one. We saw a few fire engines and firemen when we were walking home and thought it was Hyatt on fire. But realized that it was ours. They look pretty cool though
2am now. Ought to be sleeping - a trip to Goat island tomorrow morning. We were supposed to be doing the tongariro trek this weekend but couldn't make it at the last minute due to the test - but it was a blessing in disguise. The weather is so bad now and I'm sure I'll be freezing in the tent if we made it there. Goat island trip sounds less intimidating and friendly.
My reflections this week...
It was and still is my dream, since young, that I will do something big - something massive, something ambitious. When I was in Primary3, I dreamed of being on the cover of magazines. In Sec 3 I planned my career route. But as time passes, the belief of achieving eventually fades as I faced my obstacles one after another. I changed from the 'can-do and do-it-well' attitude to the 'just-get-over-with-it' one. Maybe I wasn't strong enough - I knew I was always the weak one, I needed someone pulling me along but I knew as well, that if I still bear the hope of achieving my dream, I needed to get up myself.
I admired people around me who are strong - those who could go through adversities without complaining, without even seeking help. You never know what they've been through unless they told you. Nothing is written on their face, no signs of sadness, resentment, sorrow, bitterness. Maybe that is true courage, that is true character.
I always thought I went through a difficult path, something which I can't explicitly explain to others yet hope someone would be there to push me through. But now, I hope I can be a bit more braver, a bit more stronger, a bit more independent, a bit more reliable. But on some days, it just gets so tiring that you just want to take a break.
I thought I could handle it. I thought I could be more active this semester - I would go on trips, I would volunteer for events, I would learn the piano, I would earn my own money by selling notes and doing online sales. But at the same time, I want to do equally well for my studies, I want to be a good friend, I want to be a good daughter, I want to be a good person. But there are limits - I can feel the tiredness sinking in but I don't want to give up. I don't know how long can I last this way - Am I pushing myself too hard or I just need to get used to it? I hope that its the latter because I can't just stop here.
There are certain dreams I know I need to realize in my life. It was lost for a few years and its back again. This time around I can't let go of them.
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