I don't exactly know where to start, but the past few days were surreal, some how it passed too quickly and I've thought a lot.

Today as I was walking along town, it suddenly dawned on me that it wasn't about finding answers. It never was. It was just.. I don't know man. I reached the traffic lights. A very familiar feeling lingered. It felt really recent, not too long ago, I stood at the same spot and looked hard into the people who were around me and wondered, what are they living for? And I gazed at the buildings around me, the traffic, the crowd and then I asked myself, what am I doing here? And I was certain that I would never understand the meaning of being here.

But today, after a few months, I stood there again, by coincidence, and I asked the similar questions. No, I still can't answer them, but that feeling of depression was no longer there. I asked myself again, Am I happy? I think I am. I feel that I am. I can't remember the last time I've felt this way. I remembered the past years as being dull. I certainly had fun, but there was something inside me which constantly asked the meaning of everything. I saw the bad side of everything and I never thought that as being pessimistic - that was the reality, and thinking otherwise is just being purely naive. I accepted that because I felt that changing my mindset was impossible. It was a tough time, and I decided I should just live my life as it is. I had goals, ambitious ones in fact. But they are not something which I really want, because I really don't know what I want, they were temporary - to help me in getting through each day. A miracle must have happened, maybe I've let go? I don't know. But whatever it is, it is a good thing. I can't believe I could ever felt this way - I teared at that road junction. I felt damn foolish. Really.

Anyways.. I should stop with all these reflections.. maybe I am thinking too much. Its 3am right now and I wonder why am I not in bed?! I'm supposed to be going on a short backpacking trip tomorrow morning. But I guess, I was just being inefficient. We studied for 6hrs non-stop in the library today - and I didn't even feel it. Maybe this shows how badly I need to study. After which I decided I really need the criminal law textbook, which costs $144. CAN YOU BELIEVE A FREAKING SMALL TEXTBOOK CAN COST THAT MUCH!!

So I went to the warehouse and manually photocopied 786pages since that is the cheapest way. I stood there and did the exact same action for 2 freaking hours. I was so damn pissed I nearly whacked that dumbass machine. I've been studying for 6 freaking hours and I've to stand in front of a stupid machine doing a monotonous action for another 2 freaking hours?! Anyways, once I reached home, I felt like collapsing but I persevered and cooked my dinner. And once my butt touched the sofa, it sticked on it for another couple of hours before I could push myself to wash the dishes. Whats worst is that I haven even pack my bag for the trip, neither did I wrap my book, nor bath, nor start my money making scheme. Like what NCC thought us (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA) I ENDURED and I was DETERMINED to finish it up. Like what we learn in the old school days - what the mind and conceive it can achieve.. something like that right? Anyways, I put that into good use and dumbed everything into my big backpack which wasn't very big at all. Its supposed to be for my future kickass 1 month backpacking trip but its already full for a 3 day trip?!

I did a poster which I'm going to put up in the law school tomorrow. It says: PART 1 LAW STUDENTS!!! Fighting to get into Part II Law? Need some help? PERSONAL NOTES ON SALE!!! etc etc. Its done up with colour markers. I know it sounds cranky but as long as it gets $$$ rolling in, I don't care! I don't even dare put my name on the poster, I just left my cell no. which they could tear off the poster. I tore a few first so that they would get the impression that others are interested as well. What a stupid marketing technique but if they are kiasu enough, my phone would be ringing soon. As I was doing the posters I was laughing. I can't believe I'm doing this. I must be hard out for money man. Yeah, I really am. I've so many stuff I need to pay for now!

Someone knocked on my door just now. Twice. It was freaky I tell you. When you are staying alone at night, you never know what's gonna happen and if it really happens, you'll wonder when someone would know? And the likelihood of getting rescued at that point of time is nil. Yeah, thats a constant fear I face living alone. There was a recent case here where a guy posed as a policemen and entered the victim's house for 'inspection' but ended up raping her. I always fear getting sick or maybe setting fire in the house, or someone suddenly assaulting me. I mean, its kinda possible. I don't have permanent neighbours. Actually i don't even know if I have one. They are always moving in and out. Maybe I fear so much so that I was never sick in NZ. Oh, the worst thing is that the reception has access to our apartment. Reason being - 'just in case of fire'. Theres no lock in my room, and if I'm unlucky, what if one of the staff broke in?

The other day, I came home and realized the sliding doors were open and I was very sure that it was closed before I left. The clothes hanger was inside the house instead of the balcony. It definitely can't be me who moved it in because that was Carol's and I don't even use that balcony. The carpet was slightly wet. I was damn freaked out. I was a bit panic - if my mom knows, she will FLY OVER MAN! I quickly searched if my passport was still there but everything seemed to be intact. But I was still quite worried..maybe someone is hiding in the house and based on my imagination maybe when I turn my back, he will pounce on me from the back and stab me. So I just sat still on the sofa for a moment and someone knocked on the door. I jerked and asked who was it. They said they were here to clean the windows. Ok, I was relieved, but I was pissed as well. I mean, I wasn't warned and I was really freaked out. You know, I don't really know how to handle a break-in. I'm just 20, a girl, living alone. What should I do when someone appear in my house? Run to the kitchen and grab the knife and throw at him? And end up being convicted of manslaughter?

haha ok, maybe its better to just..don't think so much. It will happen if it is fated. I'll be going for a short trip tmr and I hope nothing bad would happen. Both of us are inexperience and well.. its only both of us. I wonder how would it turn out to be? I have never been there, neither has she. And, we didn't even do a detailed planning. Haha whatever. If I get back in 1 piece, I'll do a post on thursday!